Skye Xyan Revels

Bed Sharing

2010-05-05T10:11:00.002-04:00

Before Blueberry was born, Dirk and I had a fundamental disagreement about where our baby was going to sleep. Dirk wanted him to sleep in a bassinet in our room, and I wanted him to sleep in his crib in his own room. Mostly I felt this way because both my mom and sister had tried to sleep with a baby next to them and concluded that babies are just too noisy and both moms needed some distance if they were going to get any sleep. Since I'm the lightest sleeper of the three of us, they thought is was pretty comical that I would even consider sleeping near our baby. I also was concerned about protecting him from Olivia, our cat. Eventually I did agree that I could at least give it a try and see how things went.

We started with BB in a bassinet near my side of the bed. Olivia was still allowed in the bedroom and we had a baby gate laid over the top of the bassinet, like a little jail. This wasn't perfect because Olivia could still jump on top of it, and we had to take some measures to prevent her from tipping it off. It worked okay, but sometimes she caused it to slide, and really it was an accident waiting to happen. Also, BB would fall asleep easily while nursing or being walked and walked around the house, but as soon as he felt himself being lowered into the bassinet, he would wake up! This was proving to be a real problem for us tired new parents, so when BB was about a month old, we decided to move him into our bed.

We purchased a side rail for the bed and a contoured changing pad. We put the pad into the bed, next to the rail so that there was no way I could roll over him. (I was worried about that being new to this.) The big plus of this was that I no longer had to be in and out of the bed, and could just sit up, nurse him and place him back down. The falling sensation was minimized a lot because I was mostly just moving him over, not down. I could also respond more quickly and peek at him without really moving much. The downside was that I was now trapped in the bed between baby and husband, or so it often felt. Sometimes it was harder to settle BB, so I would let him sleep in the crook of my arm. I would usually wake up a few hours later just dying to get him off me. You really do not move when you have a weight like that anchoring you in place. Since he'd be very settled by then, I could easily put him back into his space.

At some point (maybe two months?) he started to feel more solid and less fragile, and the changing pad made crinkly noises when he moved, so I got rid of the changing pad and gave him his own zone in the bed. We had a pillow top on our mattress, which he of course could not sleep on, so I slid that over (because I wasn't willing to give up my soft bed yet), and he slept on a slightly lower level than we did. He would always inch himself over next to me and rest his head on the edge of that pillow top. And yes, I worried about him suffocating on it, even though his face was quite a bit higher than the soft edge and he had great neck control and it made a nice pillow. Eventually I got over that fear.

I later changed things again by eliminating the pillow top and putting us all on the same level. One problem with this was that the line between BB and me was no longer so clear. I worried about my blankets getting into his space (a big no-no), and I still do worry about this some. I use a rolled up baby towel, wrapped with a soft lovey as a barrier. I place it next to him, so it's like the edge of the pillow top again. This arrangement works best for nursing lying down, which is what I mostly do now. If I want to change sides, he does get picked up and then placed upsidedown in the bed. This only happens for the last few hours of the morning, if at all. I am careful to keep to myself even more then since I don't want to kick him in the head! I recently surrounded him with a c-shaped body pillow that I used while I was pregnant. I did this because every time he came unswaddled, his little hands would scratch at the side railing and wake me up. This week I learned that if I double-swaddle him, he can't get free, so I might take that pillow back for myself, as it also creates a more clear barrier between him and me.

A recent improvement that I like a lot is that he is becoming more immune to the sounds of our movements, and it's pretty easy for me to "escape" the bed if I want to. This is working really well for naps. I nurse him down and then roll away (or stay and try to nap too). As he gets more mobile, we'll have to make more accommodations, and I am busy thinking about what those will be.

On the plus side, it turns out that I really like sleeping so close to Blueberry. He is not that noisy. Either he is super quiet, or he is breathing steadily. I like knowing that he's okay. Yes, he can be noisy when settling down, and he used to get very active (while still sleeping) in the early mornings, though not so much anymore. It definitely nice not to have to be up and down all night, and once he quiets down I usually start sleeping too.

The downside has had to do more with the space left for Dirk and myself. We have a king-size bed, so it's not like we don't have space. But sometimes I really do feel trapped between them and my thoughts can keep me lying awake at night. I was never a great sleeper anyway, so this is not a big surprise. However, some nights I sleep great. I also don't like not having easy access to a nightstand. Sometimes Dirk sleeps downstairs so we both get more rest. I do like having all the space, but eventually start to miss him. Plus it's supposed to be a FAMILY bed, and not come between mom and dad spending time together. (Though a common question about bed-sharing is "How do you have sex?!" And the common answer is - "Do it somewhere else, or at a different time of day." However, we are so tired now, and Dirk takes a later shift, and I take the morning shift for taking care of BB when he is awake, so it's unlikely we'd need time alone during nighttime hours anyway.

Finally, there's the question of when our child (and future planned child) will leave our bed. Many parents just wait until their kids decide to leave the bed. Dirk and I think we are open to doing it this way. Yes, the occasional person does tell me a story about a five-year old who is still sleeping with them, but I guess we're thinking we can handle that. Obviously, we won't really know until it is happening to us. So I'll report back then.

Ideal Schedule

2010-02-23T11:03:00.002-05:00

Note to reader: This entry will probably bore you a lot. You may want to skip it. It's for me, not you.

I'm trying to work out a flexible sleeping schedule by following Blueberry's lead. So far it looks like this:

6:30 am - I would get up here. By this time of day I am awake anyway because he is noisy for an hour or so before actually waking. I could take care of a few me-things like showering and if I was lucky I would even eat. Probably can't do it all in 30 minutes anyway.
7 am - He wakes up pretty consistently around this time. We nurse, I change his diaper and most likely his entire outfit.

7:30 - 9:00 am - Blueberry is awake and accompanying me as I finish my stuff - either breakfast or a shower.

9:00 am - nap #1 (Supposedly a nap does not count if it's less than an hour. I'm thinking two hours here would work out all right. Yesterday and today's it's gone later because he didn't fall asleep on time. He obviously doesn't know the schedule as well as I do.) This nap tends to happen on me (after nursing) and then in the swing, or can sometimes just start in the swing.

11:00-2:00 - Awake - This makes lunch hour tougher I suppose.

2:00-3:00 Nap again (Problem with this, is that sometimes he goes 3-hrs and I can't complain about that, nor would I wake him up. According to "the books," after three hours I should wake him so he doesn't think it's night time. However, he has never seemed to have his days and nights mixed up.) I would like this nap to occur on a soft surface like a bed or couch.

Or - I don't mind watching Oprah at 4:00, so I can nurse him to just let him sleep on me then. But that's only an hour...

3:00-5:00 Awake

5:00-7:00 Nap #3 - This isn't so great because now we're getting into bedtime territory. I'm confused at how infants are supposed to fit in three naps! Maybe he could just sleep for one hour?

5:00-6:00 Nap #3 And we eat somewhere in this window, probably a little later. How about...

5:30-6:30 Nap #3

And then we're into the bedtime stretch. Supposedly going down early is best for a good solid night sleep. Our baby hasn't been going to be early. Ideally, he would sleep from...

8:00 pm - 7:00 am Nighttime sleep. That's eleven hours, which is actually reasonable to expect!

I'd be cool with one nighttime feeding, say around 2 or 3 am. Lately he feeds for about 15 minutes before he returns to bed. I could live with that quite easily. Especially if he would sleep quietly the rest of the time.

I'll let you know if this schedule ever happens. It's actually not that far off from what is really happening. He tends though to have days where he doesn't nap at all (since cat naps don't count), followed by days with lots of napping. His lots-of-napping days are probably just days where he's taking three naps and that just seems like a lot to me because I'm not used to it yet. Clearly, I don't understand his afternoon and evening naps yet. A clear pattern is only happening in the morning, and his bedtime is slowly emerging.

Another goal is to get him to nap in his crib. That way I can get more done, know he is safe and not have to be as quiet. However, if he falls asleep while noise is being made (dish washing, TV watching, phone talking, parents talking), then he's good to go.

From Thich Nhat Hanh

2010-02-22T14:32:00.002-05:00

(He said this to Oprah in this month's magazine interview.)

I know that we do not know enough. We have to continue to learn. We have to be open. And we have to be ready to release our knowledge in order to come to a higher understanding of reality. When you climb a ladder and arrive on the sixth step and you think that is the highest, then you cannot come to the seventh. So the technique is to abandon the sixth in order for the seventh step to be possible. And this is our practice, to release our views. The practice of nonattachment to views is at the heart of the Buddhist practice of meditation. People suffer because they are caught in their views. As soon as we release those views, we are free and we don't suffer anymore.

Nine Weeks In

2010-02-22T11:58:00.002-05:00

Blueberry is actually nine weeks today; I just never published that seven-week post, thinking it needed more work. Now it's just out of date. I am typing with one hand while BB nurses. I can eat like this too.

Sleep Update
We are continuing to have lots of luck here. For the last four nights BB has slept nine hours with either zero or one waking. The one feed lasts 15 minutes and he goes right back down. Swaddling is still an important part of this game, but perhaps not critical. I am awake more because he gets noisy at points and he sleeps right next to me. Also, I am still programmed to feed him more often, and have had to get up and pump the untouched side. Our kitty, Olivia, also wakes me with her random play under and around our bed, or call for affection on top of the bed. So I'm not well rested, but am okay and have hope for a better night life. Dirk can sleep through both Olivia and Blueberry's noises. That's a pretty typical difference between moms and dads.

Naps are coming around too. While it's hit or miss, sometimes we get a long multi-hour nap. Every day there is an indication of his readiness to sleep at pretty consistent times. He awakes around seven, and is sleepy by nine. Early afternoon and evening bring yawns as well. The tricky part is actually getting him down. The swing works - but those naps are never three hours long. Stomach sleeping brings on the longest naps, but then I'm constantly peeking at him. He also ends up sleeping in lots of random "unsafe" spots, like the couch, our bed, etc.; so I have to keep a close eye on him anyway. It's not uncommon for Dirk or myself to just sit nearby for his entire nap. I'd love to get him to sleep in the safety of his own crib, but this has been slow going. Maybe he'll give me ten minutes there before he wakes up. If I would stay with him for a good hour, he would also sleep longer. Even though I'm really tired too, I rarely do this. In part, this is because when I do, I get tired of the position I'm in or want to get things done. If I try to sleep too, I have to change positions and he often wakes up as soon as I get really comfortable. Sleeping with him is more successful at night. I'll wake up an hour or so later and then it's easy to move him to his spot. (He is sleeping on a changing pad on our bed with a railing on one side and me on the other. It's working for now. It's a safe spot for him as long as he can't move around. This won't last for too much longer, but it's nice for now. It keeps him safe from falling and he isn't going to get under the covers either. I love having him so close to me, but when he gets into a noisy phase (which can go on for an hour before he wakes up), it's really hard for me. I'm getting better at ignoring him, but I still wake up. I just try not to sit up and check if he's awake all the time, because he's almost always not awake. For this reason, I would like to have him in his crib in his room. But I'd rather wait until his sleep schedule is more reliable - I like not having to get out of bed right now. Once he starts moving around, I'm not sure how willing I am to make our family bed super safe - so maybe he'll be in the crib after that. Dirk is pretty committed to the family bed though, and I like it too. Maybe we'll go all out and lose the covers and pillowtop, put the mattress on the floor, etc. I'm pretty sure though that all those changes will mean worse sleep for me and as much as I'd like to be completely unselfish for my baby - I do need sleep or I won't mother him well at any time of day.

As I type this, Olivia - the champion sleeper in our family - is conked out nearby on the couch. Blueberry is on my other side, in and out of sleep. I would love to lay down and sleep too, but am afraid to try.

----30 minutes later----

I laid down with Blueberry and was able to get a little rest. The phone just rang, so I'm awake again, but feel better. May lay down again now...

Seven Weeks In

2010-02-09T13:33:00.004-05:00

Blueberry (BB) was seven weeks old yesterday. Here's a quick synopsis of where things are at so I can remember them later.

Parenting Style
I think I mentioned this before, but I really had no clue about the existence of parenting style before BB was born. Yes, I knew that everyone is shocked by someone else's parenting methods, but never knew there were so many books documenting specific schools of thought. Now that I'm making friends with moms I'm learning a lot about them. We're on the "attachment parenting" end of the spectrum. It so happens that the moms I am meeting are also at that end of the spectrum, so I keep picking up new ideas from them. This is how we ended up with a family bed. More on that later.

I also learned about wrapping our baby from my new friend Megan. Wrapping is kind of fun and a nice way to keep BB close. We originally were carrying that kid around all the time, but have since come to see the usefulness in putting him down once in awhile. (To be fair, it wasn't that hard to do this at the beginning because grandparents were around 24-7 and they had a very high desire to hold BB as much as possible.) About a month in, I got a push from my neighbor mom that is was OK to put him down and I guess I needed permission to do that. We use our swing a lot because he stays calmest there for the longest period of time. We can often get a nap out of him when he's in the swing - this seems most likely to happen in the morning. It's also a way to allow us to eat dinner together instead of in shifts. We continue to take turns eating a lot though. We also take turns holding and interacting with him so that the other can get things done.

The wrap is nice because it usually puts BB to sleep and he'll sleep through conversations with company or whatever activities we're doing. It's a nice way to take him for walks. He likes the movement and then we can get outside on a nice day. It would be an ideal way to take him to the mall or someplace like that, though so far we haven't had any place to go where it would make sense. Maybe in the summer - of course he'll be heavier then and it will be hot out. I'm working on learning to wrap him on my back by myself. It's hard to do, but so much easier on my back. Plus I can do a lot more without a big round bulge on my front. (Also, you don't have to worry about dropping crumbs on him while you eat!) He has great head control, so the backpack carry is safe - it just requires another set of hands at this point in time. He always fusses when we wrap him, then settles down as soon as we start moving.

Nursing
Initially, my entire focus was on nursing, so it came as a surprise when I had to think about sleeping! Nursing is pretty much what I expected - I can definitely do it, the milk is there, I worry about everything they say you will and it's a waste of time to worry about those things. (Like "Is there enough milk?") It's tough to get going and the learning curve is high for both mom and baby. But it gets better with practice and the older he gets the more helpful he is. It's tough on my muscles because I'm holding odd positions for long periods of time. The longer we work at it, the more I find ways to relax during the process, but unfortunately some positions just get the job done better. For example, both of my wrists and lower arms ache with carpal tunnel-like pains from supporting his head. I do often just put his head on the boppy or other pillow, but if he's latching on and off I just have to use my arm sometimes. It holds him steady better and my arms are just the perfect angle we need. My middle and upper back also take a beating from bending forward. The alternative is to lift BB higher up - which can again affect my arms. The bigger he gets though, the less I have to lift him up. (Though the heavier he is to lift!) I'm trying to protect my back when lifting him (using my legs), but still feel lower back pains as well.

I read a lot about how nursing is a special time between mom and baby when they gaze lovingly at each other. I'm not exactly experiencing that on a regular basis - though he does make eye contact with me now, so sometimes he holds my gaze. Sometimes he is sleepy and keeps his eyes closed. He loves to nurse himself to sleep and if I would just sit still he could have a wonderful nap right on Mommy. I often try to slip him over to sleep by himself though, and sometimes I get lucky and it works. If I'm in a hurry with him, he's bound to wake up and want to be nursed to sleep again. There are also times (mostly at night) when he gets really intense and out of control. His legs and arms flail and he makes desperate noises as he attacks the breast. We usually have to take breaks then. I'm not sure why this happens. It's usually after he's eaten after awhile, so he shouldn't be desperately hungry. I think maybe he's tired and just loses control of himself. Supposedly he does not yet know that those flailing arms and legs are his anyway, since he can't consciously control them.

The one thing I did not expect was how much time nursing would take! He eats anywhere from every hour to every two and a half hours. A feeding takes 30-45 min. So by the time a feeding ends, there is very little time left until the next feeding and it flies by. If your nipples are killing you, that isn't much time to recover in.

Sleep
Getting BB to sleep can be challenging, though from what I hear and read, he's actually pretty easy. He usually wakes up once or twice a night, which I'm learning is no big deal. As long as I can get a four-hour window of sleep, I'm pretty good. He usually gives me one of those, along with several 1.5-2 hr windows. Dirk stays up late with him so I can sleep alone. That helps a lot when BB complies with our plans. I've also been pumping a bottle of 1.5-2 oz of milk for him so that when Dirk does bring him to me, he's not going to nurse as long. (Or so that he can last longer before he needs me again.) He doesn't fill up on that amount, but so far that's what he's willing to drink from a bottle. I think he's taken up to 4 oz here and there.

Napping is more challenging. I'm trying to get him on a semi-scheduled day where he naps in the morning, early afternoon and early evening. I don't think we've ever gotten all three of those naps to take place in one day. Some days he doesn't nap seriously at all, but cat naps instead. Other days he's very tired and sleep a whole bunch. Those are my vacation days.
Development

My Body
I'm just starting to exercise again and I've got many aches and pains from handling a ten-pound weight (or higher?) every day. Mostly my back muscles and my wrists are feeling the burden. My abs are weak and when I arch my back, I feel how sore they are. But it's sooooooo much better than being pregnant! Towards the end, my sister used to tell me that I'd get my body back soon. She said that even though it felt like I would be pregnant forever - that this was the new me - it wasn't true. I would make a comeback. It was hard to believe her. Today, for the first time since maybe last summer, I jumped on my spin bike for a workout just because I felt like it! I honestly never thought I'd feel like exercising again, but a new day is dawning. It's also amazing how easy it is to jump up from the couch, bend down to peer under the couch and run around the house doing things. It's total bliss not being pregnant if you can remember not to take it for granted. (I am quickly forgetting what it was like.) Also, all those aches and pains I had while pregnant - in particular lots of crotch muscle pain were gone IMMEDIATELY after giving birth. That was unbelievable.

Labor is Way Over

2010-02-04T17:21:00.003-05:00

So I finally got the baby ticker/timeline down, six and a half weeks after the fact. Blueberry will be seven weeks old this coming Monday (or four days from now). I used to wonder if it was hard for moms to remember what week their baby was, but so far it's really easy to be obsessively aware of such things. Of course, counting to seven is also really easy... but by the time it gets hard we switch to months. "My baby is twenty months old." Of course, that still doesn't mean a lot to me and I automatically translate it into years. Only "one week" through "seven weeks" truly mean anything to me so far. It's really stunning how much changes in just a few weeks, or even a few days. I wasn't prepared for that, even though I suppose I'd heard of that before. It's startling to watch it happen before your eyes. I didn't read up on babies before Blueberry was born because I just wasn't interested in anything but pregnancy. I knew the interest would arrive with the baby, which is exactly what happened. It's weird to read that baby will smile at you at six weeks, and then HE DOES! (And yes, I know every baby is an individual and will not do everything according to a timeline.)

Speaking of time, it is flying by. People have asked if I am lonely being home, but the answer is definitely no. In fact, I probably have too many visitors and plan too many social outings. I'm finding that I spend more time with my mom friends now - and have cultivated new mom friends. I was worried about my non-mom friends leaving me behind, but here I am gravitating towards the moms. It's nice getting their advice, seeing what they do and knowing they are not annoyed about talking about babies. The most fun thing I've been doing is learning to wrap Blueberry. I have a new friend who is my advisor in all things wrapping. She's super helpful. Making mom friends is also teaching me that there are lots of parenting opinions and that most people want to be friends with people who parent like they do. There's a spectrum from extreme Attachment Parenting to those who don't pick up their babies much and serve Cheetos for snacks. (Or so I am told.)

Labor Begins

2009-12-20T12:35:00.002-05:00

We've been in "Early Labor" since around midnight last night, Dec 20. I got up a couple of times because my lower back hurt, and I thought it was an insistent poop. But nothing was going on. At 2 am, I got up resolving to take care of this problem once and for all and noticed a bit of blood in the toilet. I haven't seen blood since last March and it was like an old friend, dropping in to say hello. Yay period blood! (Or in this case, Yay Bloody Show!) This meant our baby would likely come in the next few days! My thoughts went "thankyouthankyouthankyouthankyou..."

Then the period-like cramps started as soon as I got into bed. They ran every ten minutes or so (or every six to twelve minutes to be really specific) all night long. Some hurt more than others and after a couple hours I discovered that rotating and rocking my pelvis helped with the pain. The pain is in my lower back. But the top of my uterus is what contracts. I don't feel that though, other than I can tell it's tight - and if you touch it you can tell too. I did wake Dirk up to let him know they started and told him to keep sleeping, which he did. There was nothing anyone could do for me anyway. I couldn't sleep for a few hours because I was just too excited. I got up several times and looked at the snow and lights outside. By 4:15 am, I started drifting to sleep in between contractions. I had little dreams and awoke every ten minutes for my contractions. At six am, one was particularly bad, so I got up, turned on lights in the other room and started perusing the books for what turned out to be very limited information about labor. Dirk got up and the moving around and then the physical warmth and support of curling up with Dirk gave me a 45 minute reprieve. Eventually they started again - about seven minutes apart - and eventually we got up.

Moving around the house stopped the contractions for awhile, or at least made them less frequent and harder to notice. Now, at 11:45 am, they feel stronger to me, and bending over is not something I feel too comfortable doing. I think Blueberry has moved down lower, but it's hard to say. He moves around in between contractions here and there. I wonder what it's like to be him. I can't believe I'm going to meet somebody soon that is going to change my whole life. How often can you know that something like that is coming?

Olivia Update

2009-11-24T07:46:00.002-05:00

I am typing with a cat on and off my lap, because Olivia has recently decided that it's important to be on my lap or shoulder whenever I sit down at the kitchen table to eat (or in this case, type). She has also decided that I'm not just useful for petting her during the night, but for sleeping on as well. Her last nighttime visit lasted thirty minutes, and she slept across my neck and face. Mostly, I find her affection sweet and want to respond, so I do. However, I have noticed that she only picks the moments when I am actually busy doing something important - like eating or sleeping - to ask for my attention. (To be fair, she did come and fall asleep on me once this weekend while I was watching Dexter. My biggest hope is that she will want to be affectionate while I'm watching TV, so that's a start. Also she has started hanging out with Dirk and I during evening TV, which is new for her.) I'm wondering if this is just a sign of her growing up and becoming more affectionate, or if she senses that time is running out and my lap will soon be taken over by Blueberry, or if she is training me for the never-have-your-body-to-yourself, learn-to-do-everything-with-one-arm experience that is Mommyhood. I've noticed that when she purrs loudly on me, Blueberry starts poking around. I'm sure she can feel my belly moving underneath her, though she does not appear to respond. It certainly doesn't encourage her to move.

Dirk will tell you that she is primarily attached to me, and often when he wants to hold her, he just follows me around the house so she won't run off after me. This was a somewhat unfortunate choice on her part, though I am fully flattered by it. If there wasn't a baby coming, I'd say she made the right choice because as much as Dirk loves to care for animals, he can't be woken up in the night, and he's not home as much during the day as I am. I am hopeful that she can still get enough attention just being near me and the baby, or still find some space on me that won't overwhelm me. Maybe I can pretend I have twins, knowing that she'll be much less demanding than an actual baby twin would ever be.

Olivia has been eating well lately. She went through a stage in late September where she was only eating about half her food each day. After a few weeks she went into an over-eater mode and finally stabilized. Overall, she is showing more interest in food than she did when she was younger, and there are more indications from her that she is expecting to be fed at certain times of day, or just hoping to be fed. She is still playful, though less so than before. If we open her toy drawer, she still comes running, but the toys don't hold her interest in the same way they used to. However, random stringy things that aren't toys are often quite the hit. She was pretty worked up by my laundry folding last night and this morning. She also continues to get excited for her balls and small items that are scattered about our house.

She continues to be a very clean cat - always preening herself. She has a large, lion-like mane and is super fluffy and soft. We had taken her off of The Litter Kwitter a few months ago because she has stopped pooping on the pan, and started using the floor (or bathroom sink). Dirk recently started her back up again in a pre-stage. I noticed this morning that her poop missed the pan. I'm pretty skeptical about her learning willingness/ability at this point. But Dirk presses on, and since he cleans up after her, I feel I must keep an open mind.

In general, I think she likes strangers less than she used to. To her credit, she did a very nice job with Dirk's mom and grandma this weekend. She sat comfortably with the ladies, even curled up right behind Grandma. I wonder how she will handle Dirk's birthday party. She will never have seen that many people in the house at once.

Well, Dirk's backup alarm should be going off by now, so I think Olivia and I will go bother him for a bit.

Effacement & Dilation

2009-11-23T11:19:00.009-05:00

With four weeks till my due date, it's time to talk about effacement and dilation. Our midwife checked me last week (rather roughly, I might add) and told me that I am effaced, but not dilated yet. This doesn't mean too much, other than that my body is preparing to give birth. You can walk around for weeks dilated at 3 cm. I don't fully understand this all yet. Our midwife tried to explain with her hands what it meant to be effaced, but it wasn't do any good. So I found some images that helped clear things up, knowing that those of you reading this blog would be needing to know.

I thought this was the most clear. It seems that the cervix is acting much like it does during the menstrual phase. It comes up and down. When it's high and open, a woman is the most fertile. That's when her cervix feels soft, like your lower lip. When it's low and closed, it feels firm like your nose. You can see the cervix rising in these pictures, becoming soft and effaced.

For this last one, you need to know that "primigravida" refers to a first pregnancy, like mine, and "multipara" means multiple pregnancies. The multipara ones look kinda weird, no?

One thing I don't fully understand (and that others have asked me) is why no fluid comes out when the cervix opens. I'm pretty sure the answer is that all the amniotic fluid is contained in a sac, so until that breaks, you're good to go. And all the blood that comes out with the placenta isn't going to be released until the placenta actually lets go of the uterine wall. And there's a hormonal exchange that starts in the baby's brain and communicates with my body, telling us both to kick start the labor process. So until the baby is ready to go, everything just stays put.

There is also the position of descent, meaning how far the baby's head has descended. Our midwife noted that our baby had descended into the pelvis and his head was more "locked in" than it was three weeks ago, when she could rock it back and forth. She did not attach his position to one of these numbers though.

Last night I dreamed that this doctor man took a device and just put it over my stomach, like a big metal cover, and photographed the baby. The baby was sitting upright, like a little Buddha, and I was upset because now we were looking at a breech birth. His face was pushing out of my belly and I could feel his nose and lips quite easily.

Back to reality, I'm confused about counting pregnancy weeks again. "What to Expect" says that I'm now 37 weeks and full term. But other sites would say I'm 36 weeks, because I just completed 36 weeks. Thus, I have another week to go and then I'll be 37 weeks and full term. I'm going to ask our midwife about that when we see her today because she won't do a home delivery before 37 weeks, and maybe we're in the clear now, or maybe we have to hold on for 6 more days. Not that I really expect Blueberry to show up this week. I'm guessing he'll come in week 39 or 40. This guess is based on the not-so-accurate information I have on my mom and sister's births. I say it's not that accurate only because every baby is different and they don't know when they ovulated, and my mom is trying to remember something that happened nearly 37 years ago.

I have mixed feelings about when I want to go into labor because Blueberry's due date is RIGHT AFTER finals week. I finish finals on a Tuesday, Dirk is done on Thursday, and Blueberry is due on Saturday or Sunday. It would be nice to have the semester all wrapped up before he comes. Otherwise, a substitute will take over for me, (which is nice), but Dirk will have exams to grade, grade to determine and a new baby at home, and then me to deal with - and who knows how I'll be doing? I can be a real whiner you know. However, it would be nice to not be pregnant anymore, so getting Blueberry out with the rest of us is appealing. But as soon as he arrives, I don't have the freedom to just run out to Walgreen's or have coffee with girlfriends. I'll be leaking breast milk, up half the night and experiencing what a true lack of sleep is. Hauling this big ball of belly around just might seem easy in retrospect... On the other hand, we'll have our baby, and wasn't that the point of this whole thing in the first place? Sometimes I get so wrapped up in the pregnancy that I lose sight of the big picture. Obviously, the baby is coming no matter what, so I guess I'll still opt for finishing the semester without a labor and delivery. Not that I have a choice in the matter! :)

Pregnancy Stuff

2009-11-05T17:57:00.004-05:00

We're halfway through week 34, or 33 1/2 weeks pregnant at this point. I'm nowhere near as on top of pregnancy reading as I used to be. Reading about the pregnancy week I'm in became less interesting several months ago. At this point, all that's left to read about is how much your baby weighs, how much you may have gained and that your baby blinks now and you may be more uncomfortable and not sleeping very well. I got side-tracked reading about labor and delivery. I haven't done too much reading about raising kids yet - so far I'm banking on my experience with babysitting and all that I've learned from watching my sister raise her kids, and occasionally helping out. I figure there's a lot of that sort of reading in my future anyway. It just hasn't struck me as "time" yet.

I am uncomfortable. I am big and that makes things like bending down or getting off a couch or bed harder to do. Each action requires a second thought. I also feel tired a lot and a kind of nauseous/heart-burny/throw-uppy feeling. I can't say I like it. Also, it seems that I am no longer capable of sleeping more than two hours at a time, if that. But bad days continue to alternate with good days, so for the most part I manage okay. One thing I really LIKE about being pregnant is feeling Blueberry bop around inside me. There's something sweet about it, and it's reassuring to know he's doing okay. I haven't had any painful kicks from him yet, and his movements don't wake me up at night. (My bladder and our cat and my body discomforts wake me up instead.) In spite of my complaints, I also like having a big belly. It's fun to see and be seen with it. There is something that everybody seems to find fun and exciting about being pregnant - myself included. Anticipating a baby is perhaps more exciting to other people than you actually having a baby. I assume for Dirk and I that having the baby will actually be more fun. I will gladly give up my belly when the time comes. But it's totally strange that this can happen to you - just like it happens to all these other women and all the books say it will happen. It's still bizarre when it's your own body.

Today I washed the baby bedding and cleaned up the bassinet we bought. All we need now is a crib mattress and our cloth diapers. The mattress is due anytime, and I just ordered the diapers today. The nursery could use a little more decoration, but I haven't found exactly what I'm looking for yet, and what Dirk will approve of. We also need some kind of net or tent for the crib and bassinet that will keep Olivia from jumping in with the baby. (The crib is in a room with a door, but we'd like to try sleeping with baby in a bassinet by the bed. Keeping Olivia out of our room would be really difficult to do and cause a new set of problems.) I'm also a little bit nervous about "figuring out" the cloth diapers. By that I mostly mean cleaning them.

Oh, and I got the H1N1 vaccine an hour ago. I feel somewhat conflicted about it because I don't think I really know for sure what the right thing to do with vaccines is. Mostly though, guests on NPR convinced me that I should do it. And I really don't want to get H1N1, because it might not be a mild case for me. It might also pass some immunity onto the baby - but I'm not sure if that's pure speculation or not. It still takes 8-10 days to take effect, so I can't go sharing drinks with everybody just yet.

More Communication / P&Q Stuff

2009-10-26T17:11:00.002-04:00

Tsjaz commented that he thinks extroverts have more fun. I'm not sure about that because their fun kind of depends on the others around them and what they want to talk about. An introvert would perhaps have a lot of fun just doing their own thing. Many times I would rather do a crossword puzzle than call somebody up. Of course, I like doing the crossword puzzle with Dirk best, so it's still an interactive event. Except I don't usually like that he is so much faster with answers at the beginning than I am. Since I am usually writing, I get annoyed. But I have a work-around to this: I start the puzzle before he gets there so I have a shot at all the easy answers. Then I can usually contribute to my satisfaction after that. Dirk is better at the puzzles than I am, but I come up with some gems too.

I totally switched the subject.

When someone is not talking, I do wonder why. And I wonder what I should do. And I wonder if they think I am doing the right thing. I should chill.

This Just In...

2009-10-22T12:09:00.003-04:00

Dirk and I have finished our research and have decided to try for a home birth. I'm still a little frightened even though the data is in our favor, and going to the hospital frightens me too. But we've chosen a course now and I'm happy to be on it. Hopefully things go smoothly and we can stick with our plan.

One More Thought/Question on Communication

2009-10-22T12:03:00.002-04:00

I forgot to mention one important thing yesterday -

Tsjaz indicated that he finds it boring to be introverted. This surprised me. I tend to think that introverts have this fascinating inner world that entertains them beyond what current conversation has to offer. I also imagine that they notice and remember everything. (My other brother-in-law is exceptionally good at that. While it seems like he could not care less about anything going on, days later he might repeat a conversation you had verbatim and you never realized he was listening.) But I can see that the flip side might just be that the mind is blank or stalled by social awkwardness or something like that. I worked with a quiet fellow many years ago and he told me that his thoughts were very simple and consisted of things like "apple" or "BEER."

I would also assume that a super talker finds themselves fascinating and can't wait to hear the next thing out of their mouth. However, I suspect that a lot of them are also extremely insecure and talk in an effort to constantly prove themselves in some way.

Communication 101

2009-10-21T12:06:00.006-04:00

This post is in response to Tsjaz's post from October 19, which I have reproduced here:

---------------------------Begin Post----------------------------------

Social drinking
I have more fun at social gatherings when I drink. I'm pretty introverted in the Myers-Briggs sense that although I can be social in a large group, when the group is mostly strangers it saps my energy. However, at a certain point of intoxication, a switch flips and I want to associate with others and make grandiose plans for future social interactions. This is why the DTH police roundup said that I was trying to get "to Franklin Street." I wanted to go somewhere where I could take advantage of my temporary extrovertedness.

I don't think I was always this introverted. I have some memories of being a little crazy up until about age 6 or 7. But I think was taught in many ways that being quiet was good. Being quiet to a fault. Because being quiet is sometimes uncomfortable, and being uncomfortable around others makes it more difficult to get what you want. And extroverts have more fun.

Why is being quiet uncomfortable? Mostly because of social norms, I guess. With some people it's not uncomfortable to just not talk. I think I'm really bad at small talk, which makes things more difficult. I can never think of something smart to say when someone makes a small talk comment to me about something I don't care about at all.

---------------------------End Post----------------------------------

This is a topic I seem to care about a lot - at least I certainly devote a lot of time to thinking about it and Dirk has heard me talk/complain about it a lot. Essentially, I have a hard time interacting with people who talk too little or talk too much. I think there are more people in the "talk too much" category and for the life of me, I can't understand why they don't realize that they are incredibly rude and self-centered. Of course, that's just my opinion. But I don't appreciate it when someone thinks that it's okay to ask me to devote my time and energy exclusively to whatever it is that they want to say. I hate being controlled in that way. The only way I have found around this (when I am stuck say, at a dinner table with them) is to exert my own form of control - which is to ask questions. I figure then I can at least get them to sometimes talk about something that interests me. The downside of asking a super-talker questions is that it only encourages them to talk more. But if I've given up on them, then I at least try to get material I care about.

Tsjaz and many others will tell you that I'm a questioner anyway, and this is true. I will also try to use this technique with silent types, like Tsjaz and CHG, because I have a hard time with the silence. I automatically translate silence into "this person does not like me and wishes I would go away." This is likely because my mom uses the "silent treatment" very effectively. To me, silence equates anger, disapproval and a message that I had better try HARD to get back into this person's good graces. To continue using my family-in-law as an example here, this (to me) is a typical dinner out with all of us: Parents, grandparents and myself make random small talk, often repeating ourselves, in an effort to create a sense of comfort. (Or such is my perception.) Dirk, Tsjaz and CHG are mostly silent. Dirk is completely comfortable with this, and I am mostly uncomfortable with this. I really can't tell how comfortable everybody else is. Tsjaz's blog indicates that he may actually find this experience uncomfortable like I do.

Another point regarding conversation: I get the impression that said Parents like to keep it simple. My family, on the other hand, likes to dig into something and really chew on it when the mood strikes. We'll dissect the movie we saw, talk about our personalities, whatever. We'll also sometimes push each other's buttons and create conflict. These things (both positive and negative) do not happen with my in-laws. In both families, some topics of conversation are simply off-limits, which goes back to the supposed lesson (mentioned by Tsjaz) that sometimes it's best to just keep your mouth shut. I can't tell you how many times my mother has advised me to do just that! But blogs are not a place to keep your mouth shut...

So back to Tsjaz's post again - he mentioned that he may have been taught that it is good to be quiet, and Dirk agreed that this may be true. My parents and their parents are actually quite similar in that they are likely all introverts. My parents are self-described introverts at any rate, and they will not volunteer much information about themselves. They will mostly respond to you, unless you ASK them to talk about themselves or if you are an immediate family member. My sister is more extroverted and happy to volunteer information/conversation. I test right in the middle of introverted and extroverted and suspect that I use my questions as a way to promote conversation without having to contribute much to it myself. As much as I think that people should demonstrate interest in me by asking about me, I can also resent being questioned because sometimes I am tongue-tied. This makes me think that others might resent my (question-oriented) approach as well. (And of course, I can be very flattered that someone is making the effort to ask what I think; to get to know me. I do consider that a large component of what communication should be about, a volley of taking turns between two people.)

Then there's a whole other piece - which is how much common interests matter. Getting pregnant created a brand new, overarching interest in my life and while my "never plan on being pregnant" girlfriends are doing a good job at keeping up with me, I know that we both will have to make more concessions moving forward. I'll have to shut up about babies, and they'll have to put up with mine. I still want those friendships, but am also drawn to befriending women who actually want to get pregnant and have babies (or already did). I continue to learn that I don't have much sympathy/empathy (whichever one requires you to relate to another's emotions when you have not experienced the said emotion/event yourself) for life events that haven't come my way. For example, until I got a cat, I had little interest in the pet-obsessed conversation. Now I could talk about cats all day. And I can even relate my feelings about cats to your feeling about your non-feline pet. So I might find someone's conversation to be dull and invasive, but in large part it's because I don't care about the content.

Thus, the problem is twofold: there's communication style to consider and then there's content. There are a couple of solutions that may work here.

With a talker: Some talkers can't stop. They are addicted to talking and there's nothing that will change them. Some level of acceptance is required, and some level of avoidance. "Avoid as much as possible, accept when you are stuck." Other talkers (like my new mom-friend, Patty) can be addressed directly. I told Patty that I couldn't feel good about her talking over me, that I needed her to listen to me, but that I understood that it was hard for her and she didn't mean to disregard me. (But that I FELT disregarded by her behavior.) She really took that in and started working with it right away. I don't expect her to completely change, but she's trying. In return, I agreed to be more assertive when I had something to say.

With a non-talker: Focusing on content seems to help. If you can find a topic they like to dish about, then you've got a shot. But if you don't like the topic, then you're suddenly stuck with a talker that only takes limited direction via questions. Directly talking about it strikes me as harder, since you've already got an indication that they don't like to open up, period. Maybe copying someone's blog post and writing your own blog post about it will make a difference.

PS: There's this whole other thing I wanted to mention, which I think is just about the chemistry people do or don't have together. This past weekend Dirk and I played a game with our new friends, The Stonestreets. It's a game we've both played before, and found to be okay, but not great. But every time we play games with this couple (and a third couple that couldn't make it), everybody seems to have a really good time and the game seems fantastic. What's that about?

Life at Home

2009-10-05T14:33:00.002-04:00

Although we did not plan for me to essentially become a stay-at-home wife before the baby arrived, circumstances at my work led that to happen. I wasn't able to get full-time, or even reasonable part-time work this semester thanks to state budget cuts for the state college I work for. I was given one two-credit hour class, which means my work duties add up to six to eight hours a week total. I originally opted to sit in a higher level math course, called Complex Variables, twice a week because it would be good for me to work on my own math skills. However, after four or five weeks I decided that I just wasn't up for juggling the time requirements of this course with all the household duties I had found for myself.

At this point, even the tiny imposition of six to eight hours a week seems like a big dent in all I have to do at home. Dirk has pointed out that I could be less ambitious in my cleaning plans, but I tend to disagree with him. He has been very happy with my cooking plans however, because it's nice to have food in the house when you come home and leftovers in the refrigerator. I am also creating a storage of food in our new deep freezer, which I hope will tide us through the new-baby phase. One thing I'm finding is that cooking every day is hard, if not nearly impossible. It takes a lot more time to plan, shop and execute a meal than I would've thought. There are days when my other duties swamp me and I still want to make popcorn for dinner, just like when I was working full time. The other big time sink has been the yard, and I'm completely grateful that winter is coming to take that away from me. I still need to plant garlic, harvest the potatoes and pull as many weeds as I can before it gets too cold. Oh, and the gladiola bulbs need to be dug up for over-wintering. But that is coming to a close.

Of course, the baby is a big area of focus. I've moved on from reading about pregnancy, to reading about labor and birthing. There is a long list of decisions to make regarding how and where you'll give birth and what you'll consent to letting the hospital do to your newborn. I've yet to read about infant care because I'm just not there yet, and I hope what I learned from my sister will carry me through most of what I need to do. As for preparing a place for baby, my parents were in town last week and they did a huge amount of work on the nursery, for which I am completely grateful. There is still a lot to do, but I can handle what's left. I could not handle the other stuff on my own. I absolutely required help. I've also been told I should be doing other advance planning, like making a list of baby-announcement recipients. All of these things will be harder to do once the baby is actually outside of me. Baby stuff will of course lead to child-rearing stuff, researching pre-schools and attending baseball games. If things go as planned, there will be two more lives to attend to. (Meaning two kids, not three.)

Shopping is another chore. It seems like I am endlessly bringing large quantities of items into our home and disposing of similar quantities. At least we're not pack-ratting too much. We don't spend excessively either. It's mostly food, baby stuff, and house stuff that I'm trekking through the door. On Tuesday a new washer and dryer will arrive so we can wash all those diapers we decided to invest in, and soon we'll be installing toddler-friendly blinds. I sold our old washer and dryer on Craig's list (which excited me to no end) and that left a nice dirty floor for me to clean.

Then there's the finances. As I mentioned above - I no longer bring home a real salary. This semester I'm bringing home some lunch money and that's it. So it's time to get serious about budgeting and planning, something we both want to do but have trouble finding the time for. I've made some headway on assessing where we are, and where we've been, but little has been done to solidify a smart financial future. We almost have our wills taken care of though, and I'm pretty proud of getting that done. Most people I talked to have had kids for years and still haven't gotten around to that. Then there's the detail stuff like tracking down insurance payment errors and the like. The time spent waiting on the phone is always fun.

So my big ticket house-wife items are: cleaning, cooking, shopping, gardening, baby education, making a place for baby, and short & long-term financial management. All things on this list have required planning and organizational skills. I like to think I'm an organized, efficient person, but running a household is making me step up to the plate more than I thought it would. At this point, I'm pretty convinced that you can't run the kind of household I imagine and work full time. You'd have to compromise quite a lot.

A big plus to this has been that not working makes my home ambitions achievable without causing me to expect as much from Dirk as I did before. He was never crazy about all the expectations I placed on him since his ambitions for home were much simpler than mine. In turn, he has more ambitions for himself at work than I ever did with my career. It feels good for both of us when I can back off.

Another discussion could be had about where these ambitions of mine come from and how they interfere with my outside-of-home ambitions. I'm pretty certain that I believe I can organize the hell out of my house and then our finances will be settled, the house will run like clockwork and I'll have time to take Complex Variables or start a new career. Part of this thinking is likely plain delusional. I paid somebody to clean my house for the last four years because I knew my time was worth it to me. Someday my fascination with my efficient household will likely end and I'll have to let a few things go. Someday might be sooner than I think, since I want to spend plenty of time with my kids and not view them as projects to be managed as well. It all depends on how committed I end up being to my stay-at-home-wife-and-mom career.

I'm writing today from the perspective of someone who feels overwhelmed. But I haven't had that perspective for all of this fall. I'm just not in a great head space today. Mostly I feel grateful that I have the time to maintain a garden and learn to make tomato soup. Things have just been a bit hectic lately with big-ticket items like setting up baby's room and buying new appliances. It makes the to-do list seem so much harder.

And I forgot to mention managing our social life! At this point, I'm afraid my post is going to sound like one long complaint, and I really don't want it to. So I think I'll pause and go grocery shopping.

Priorities

2009-09-15T12:27:00.002-04:00

I'm having trouble committing to the Complex Variables course I decided to sit in this fall. It's not that I don't like the material - in fact, last Thursday I was really pretty excited about it. Yet, given the choice I keep opting to work on the gardens, bake cookies, make tomato sauce, and complete various other household chores. Yesterday, I even found us a lawyer so we can write a will. There's paint to choose for the baby's room. And then we actually need to paint the room. There's a crib to assemble after that. I realize there is time for this, but I'm so committed to playing uber-housewife/future supermom right now that I am kind of annoyed by this other endeavor I semi-committed to. And it's becoming clear that I need to fully commit if I want to do well in this course.

And/or I need to see this course as an opportunity to let go of my attachments to grades. Since I'm not actually enrolled in the course, my grades aren't even real. The professor is a believer in time-controlled quizzes where you need to spell it out really fast. We had a quiz last week, where I was able to manage 3 of 4 questions without much trouble. Five minutes were allotted per question, and that's about what I needed. Granted, if I had known the material just a bit better, I wouldn't have required time to actually think about each question, and could've just busted out the solution. Then maybe I would've taken three minutes per question. Unfortunately, I lost points on one problem because I went with the real part of the solution, when the directions clearly asked for the imaginary part. I did the problem right, other than the fact that I answered the wrong question. So there went 10% to a dumb error. Unfortunately, in spite of all my reading about education and learning, I am more upset about losing a letter grade and what it does to my ego, than remembering the fact that I actually knew what to do. The ten percent is actually meaningless, other than to say I should be more careful, or to remind me that under pressure, it's easy to miss details.

The fourth question was outside of the material that we were told we'd be tested over. For this reason, I feel slightly jilted. I did solve the problem after the quiz, and it took way more than five minutes. This is because I hadn't thought about these types of problems enough yet. I understand that most exams aren't meant to test how you think in the moment, but to test whether you thought about something enough already to do it efficiently. And if I'd been told to study this problem type more thoroughly, I would've been ready. I just don't know how committed I am to being that person right now.

Essentially, I am doing that with my housewife training. Our baby is coming in December, and that's like the big exam. That's when cooking and cleaning and running the house have to be easy and require little thought so I don't go insane with my brand new mommy responsibilities. The big test requires that I be fast, efficient, unthinking. I don't normally think of a test as something that should require no thought, but back in my school days I could whip through an exam pretty quickly and loved to be the first one done. Dirk's influence has got me believing that a test is a place to show evidence of thinking ability - to tackle a new idea. I can see the validity of both perspectives.

I have to run and leave my train of thought here.

Percolating

2009-08-20T08:29:00.004-04:00

Blueberry has been moving quite a bit for about two weeks. I can easily identify the movements, but Dirk hasn't been able to feel them yet. I often feel like I'm percolating inside with the combination of baby and gastric bubbling sensations.

Last night around 4 am I woke up and stretched my legs. Lately I often have to pull back from my stretch because I feel my right calf started to "catch." This time, however, the Charlie horse got me. My rather loud reaction woke Dirk up right away and after some confusion as to what was actually happening to me, and which leg it was, he was able to fix the problem. The upside of all this was that the nighttime mayhem set Blueberry to moving vigorously enough that Dirk could finally feel it. This made for a nice middle-of-the-night moment with Dirk.

Yesterday...

2009-08-04T07:52:00.002-04:00

we saw our baby, and he is a boy!

Tomorrow...

2009-08-02T18:35:00.002-04:00

we have our first ultrasound and hopefully find out the sex of the baby. Stay tuned...

Summer School

2009-07-10T11:04:00.005-04:00

Summer school will soon be over. Five weeks of intensive algebra - two classes, nearly back to back. This amounted to four hours a day in the classroom, with two hours for office availability and then grading/planning stuff. It meant that the yard (aka weeds) got way ahead of me, and that I was often stressed out trying to juggle everything. I still have 20 exams to grade, final grades to post, and then I am DONE. I should be grading them now instead of dallying on the internet.

Pregnancy stuff has been okay. Problems have included headaches and recently I've had what seems like a return to afternoon nausea, only it's different. It's more heartburny and burpy, but still in a throw-uppy way. And I've been found napping around 5 pm because I am exhausted. So the second trimester is not all roses and energy just yet.

I'm also no longer able to sleep on my tummy, and am working on the side sleeping. I wake up on my back all the time - which my doctor said is okay for now even though the books say NO BACK SLEEPING. She says there will come a time when my body will object to back sleeping, just like it now objects to front sleeping. And you can see why it is objecting:

Still not totally clued into the fact that a baby will be the result of all this, but becoming more of a believer. I'm looking forward to the day that I feel him/her move inside me.

It's Tough to Revel Sometimes

2009-06-27T19:00:00.002-04:00

I'm trying to remember to stop and smell the roses, but often forgetting as a five-week intensive summer course demands my attention Mon-Thurs (three weeks down, two to go!), and gardening and household projects take priority on the other three days of the week. We did manage to finish the wire fence we made for our garden. That was huge. And I finally transplanted the strawberries today. The tomatoes and peppers we got from SBB were already transplanted last week, and the asparagus was moved in as well. The rest of my seedlings have yet to leave the deck, and some items have yet to be planted at all. A tremendous amount of weeds had sprouted up in the preciously expensive gardening dirt I purchased, and a good portion of my time has gone to pulling them up. Weeds are in fact everywhere I look. Once the garden is set, I can move on to numerous other locations in our yard and start pulling again.

In pregnancy news, I am getting bigger and my upper belly is getting that hard pregnant-belly feeling. Lower belly is still soft - guess it takes longer to stretch that tummy fat out tight. I am now a big receiver of the pregnancy symptom "headaches." They come at least every other day, and I would say there are at least hints of them every day. But I have steered clear of the "constipation" and "hemmorhoids" symptoms, so I praise the pregnancy gods for that. I'm at the point now where sleeping on my stomach is a no-no, but I had already given that up since it seems to have a direct link to more headaches. Any week now I should start feeling the baby move - it's is purported to initially feel like bubbles or butterflies. Takes awhile for them to start delivering the strong kicks.

Olivia passed Litter Kwitter pre-training and moved on to Stage 1. We then took her to Stage 2, which led to her pooping in the sink, and later on the floor in the corner. So she is back at Stage 1. Her hair has grown in since her big lion cut, and she looks incredibly beautiful as only a fluffy little animal can.

I finally managed to talk Dirk into watching Buffy again and we are well into season 2. I had been naive enough to think that it would not become an addiction the SECOND time around, but was completely wrong. It's just like the first time. Must have Buffy. More Buffy now.

My e-friend who writes a Bachelor update via blog mentioned Never Nudes. I must tell Dirk.

The First Awesome Anniversary

2009-06-07T10:09:00.002-04:00

is today! One year already - it's hard to believe. Grandma keeps reminding us of all we've done this year - wedding, honeymoon, finishing up life in Boston, moving, starting new jobs, buying a house, adjusting to St. Cloud and getting pregnant to name a few. It really has been jam-packed with new life events. Today is the first day we've had no social engagements and both been home in nearly two weeks. I am looking forward to just being home with Dirk.

Heartbeat

2009-06-06T13:49:00.003-04:00

Yesterday was the heartbeat appointment. This occurs at twelve weeks - though the heartbeat can be detected much earlier than this, and some providers will look for it earlier than mine would. I'd been anxiously awaiting this appointment because once you can detect a heartbeat, your risk of miscarriage goes from 15-20% to about 3%. Plus it would be the first "real" evidence that there's a baby in there. Many people have told us that the pregnancy seems much more real once you hear that heart beating. Even though there was a significant amount of evidence that I was in fact pregnant (positive test, missing period, lots of symptoms and beginning to show), I really wanted this confirmation along with having my uterus felt up. (FYI, my uterus is definitely growing and is about the size of an orange right now. It's just starting to peek over my pubic bone. More FYI - my cervix looks very healthy! Woo!)

So back to the heartbeat. She warned us that it may take awhile to find, and then marveled at how she immediately found it. It was hard to identify because the Doppler machine starts whooshing the minute you turn it on. Then there are my slower pulsing sounds and the baby's faster sounds. Mostly I could just hear myself, but there was a moment when we were clearly hearing the faster rate of the baby. Then it was me I was hearing again. It all went by very fast. I wanted to go back to the baby sound, but she was already wiping my tummy off and I didn't want to be pushy. I felt kind of let down because there was no time to let the baby's rhythm sink in. She told us the rate was 160 bpm, which is smack dab in the middle of normal. I considered getting emotional for a minute, then refrained. I honestly wasn't sure if I was truly emotional or simply thought I should be.

Soon afterwards she was poking me inside and out, feeling my uterus and peering at my cervix. This was slightly uncomfortable, but no worse than an annual pap. Dirk got to witness this all for the first time, though I was draped in a paper blanket so he didn't have a bird's eye view of my healthy cervix. He did catch a glimpse of the speculum and said he got the idea of what went on. It was nice to have him there with me and didn't feel awkward. When that part was over, we talked to the midwife for quite awhile - she was very chatty and I should mention that she used loads of reassuring language throughout the appointment. She kept assuring me that everything was "picture perfect" and "textbook." I was getting an A+ in baby making so far.

The appointment was at 4:30 pm, so it had already been a long day. I had been fatigued most of the day and was experiencing some of the light-headedness that can come with pregnancy. Then add this huge (though seemingly not huge when happening so fast) moment in the doctor's office, and you have me pretty wiped out. When we left, my first task was to make phone calls to (1) my parents, (2) Dirk's parents, and (3) my sister. (I would've called you too, Tsjaz, but didn't figure you were hanging by the phone. Let me know if I was wrong! We can at least send you an "It's a girl!" or "It's a boy!" text message at our 20-wk visit.)

It was the phone calls that made me realize I really did feel overwhelmed. I told my mom that everything went well, she said she was very happy and then launched into a story about how she and my dad got hit by a flying turkey while driving that day. Of course, she was pretty excited about it and all I could think was that I was sooooooo not in that head space and must retreat immediately. I told her I had to go, and when calling Dirk's parents and my sister began with "I don't want to talk, just wanted to tell you that everything is fine..." Those calls went quickly enough. We got home, swung by the mailbox and I fished out two "First Anniversary" cards. (Our anniversary is Sunday, June 7.) Grandma wrote a particularly sweet message and that's when the tears started. We were parked in our driveway by that time; Dirk was sweet and sympathetic, asking questions I could not answer about how I was feeling. In the midst of my sobbing I realized that we should call Grandma. I was unable to talk to her though, since I was choking up, so I passed the phone on to Dirk. Grandma pulled a Mom, and segued quickly from "That's fantastic news!" to "How's your yard?" She was chatty, so Bret was on the phone for awhile while I cried it out for a bit, and wondered how Grandma could be so breezy.

Eventually we made it into the house, for a few more tears and some rest, and Facebook announcements. I came to realize that I really was pretty struck by the fact that there is a tiny heart beating somewhere in my pelvis and we REALLY ARE making a baby and I can start to actually believe in this. It was disorienting to hear about wild turkeys and yard work when all of my brain capacity was maxed out on this one concept. Of course, I can't expect other people to be as focused on this as I am - even my own mother could process it quickly. She's been there before, it's not her body, and what else did I expect to hear anyway? One thing I keep learning in this pregnancy is that until it happens to you, you really can't relate completely, and even if it did happen to you before, it's likely old news by now.

My emotions are a mix of awe, fear, joy, bewilderment, amazement and exhaustion. Given some time alone with them, I can easily bring the tears back. And yes, it really does feel more like there's a baby here with me now.

Here it is!

2009-05-31T13:54:00.002-04:00

So all that browsing, and really this is what I was looking for in regards to eleven weeks: "If you're like most women, you're feeling a bit more energetic now and your nausea may be starting to wane."

I felt really good yesterday and all morning and it kind of made me nervous, not feeling pregnant anymore. Of course, be careful what you wish for, I ended up struggling through my lunch and am not feeling so hot now. I hate the throw-uppy feeling. But I told myself if it returned, I would just be happy to still feel pregnant. That was, however, BEFORE I found the reassuring comment above. Regardless, I am feeling better overall and I'm happy for that.

Read a Book, People!

2009-05-31T13:37:00.003-04:00

I swear, sometimes it seems like I am the only pregnant woman out there reading about pregnancy. The pregnancy sites have all these groups you can join and some women post the dumbest questions - questions that could be answered by Google or a pregnancy book or THE WEBSITE THEY ARE POSTING ON in five seconds. Seriously, people, you are stupid. Even dumber, women post about the dumb things people say to them. And they don't have enough knowledge to refute these dumb things, so they can only get upset. On top of that, many are freaked out by something that happened at their doctor's appointment, and instead of asking the doctor, they post their worries and questions to the group. Granted, there are plenty of women out there who give reassuring, and smart answers. Which goes to show that there really are a lot of informed pregnant women out there, but I am just getting carried away about the dumb ones.

Math Joke w/ Question

2009-05-31T09:43:00.002-04:00

I'm curious how many of my math teacher friends feel that this joke is true. I'm on the fence. I think it could easily be argued that at the lower levels especially, we teach the illusion of hard-core, universal facts. Or we could just say that all facts are relative.

Thursday

2009-05-28T15:59:00.004-04:00

I have spent the day at home alternating between such activities as planning my summer course, yard work, receiving dirt with 15% compost from Farmer Bob (which I paid dearly for), attending to the cats (Dora puked up all that dry wheat grass she loves chomping on, and Olivia has mostly slept all day), making a healthy (though not terribly appetizing) lunch, feeling throw-uppy, talking (via email) to my department chair about my fall teaching options, talking on the phone with my sister, and wondering if I should join Olivia in my bed for a nap. She really is a great role model for someone like me. Though I think I may opt to sit in my lawn chair on the deck now that the sunshine has reached the backyard. It's a really nice warm day.

Other plans include going to Target to check out the Snoodle Original and maybe buy some cute socks, followed by helping Adrienne unpack her moving boxes, which turned out to be a pretty fun thing to do last night.

Meanwhile, Dirk is on a train to Pennsylvania. He will be on that train until 1:30 pm tomorrow, and he got on it at 5:15 this morning. That's a whole day and a half on a train. He does have a sleeper car, and he brought an oversized beach towel for a blanket. He also has an exorbitant amount of PB&J sandwiches in his possession, among other snacks. Every time I think of Dirk on the train for an excessively long period of time, with a towel for a blanket and lots of sticky sandwiches, I just laugh and laugh. It sounds so hysterically funny to me that this is his idea of fun, and I am so glad that I did not have to do it too. I imagine that he truly will enjoy his ride. God bless him!

Dora and Olivia

2009-05-27T10:38:00.004-04:00

Dance Baby Dance!

2009-05-27T10:26:00.007-04:00

Supposedly there is somebody inside me doing a similar dance.

Sonogram of a baby at 10 weeks pregnant.

http://www.i-am-pregnant.com/encyclopedia/U/Ultrasound

At Home with the Girls

2009-05-23T14:25:00.004-04:00

We've taken in a short-term visitor. Dora, a calico, long-haired cat is visiting for about ten days. She stayed in the downstairs bathroom for four days, while Olivia hissed and growled at any sign of her. I was away visiting my parents at this time. I returned on Thursday night. Friday morning (yesterday) I let Dora loose on the house. To her credit, she is bold, but not reckless. She explored slowly at first, sticking to the lower level. Olivia hissed excessively, but Dora remained calm and found ways to skirt around her, or simply retreated. It would seem that Olivia's hiss is worse than her bite, as she hasn't put her money where her mouth is yet. Actually, after a peaceful night (where Olivia camped out on our bed the entire time, and Dora mostly got the message to stay away), Olivia has rushed Dora several times this morning. The noise level has gone up as things get tenser. But for the most part, they are finding ways to share this space. Dora's won us both over with her sweet attitude. Olivia has probably put us slightly in the "disappointed" parent category as she shows her worst side. I miss my sweet girl who loves to be held and purrs like crazy. She never hisses at us, and now odds are good that if we go to her she will hiss rather than purr. But she is calming down too. It's a mixed bag of reactions from her, and who can blame her? Her territory is under dispute. Both Dirk and I enjoy having a second cat in the house, and Dirk is secretly hoping that my friend, Adrienne, will let us keep her when she returns. I'm pretty sure that her answer will be an emphatic "no."

In other news, I think the disconnect between the embryo and fetus time frame, eight versus ten weeks, returns me to the "how to count issue." I've decided that it's ten weeks from your last period and eight weeks from conception. Either way, as of tomorrow, we have a fetus on our hands for sure.

Our yard is doing exciting things - the white lilacs are in bloom, and the row of little purple alternating with white lilacs is cute. Our blueberries and strawberries have blossoms, and we have two large spaces of dirt. One is destined to be a vegetable garden, the other a flower garden. There are hostas planted along the side of the house, along with rhubarb and asparagus plants that need a few years to mature yet. The seedlings are growing on the deck, as we have to have nicer dirt brought in before we start the gardens.

One last thing, I watched this documentary yesterday, "Fat: What No One is Telling You" and found it to be rather informative. I especially liked the second half of part seven, which discusses a whole "brain-like" system in the gut that rivals the system in our actual brain.

Olivia is One!

2009-05-15T19:24:00.003-04:00

Happy Birthday to our favorite kitty. She's enhanced our lives more than we could've expected.

I'm Tired

2009-05-15T10:08:00.001-04:00

I'm really tired.

Eight Weeks Down

2009-05-12T09:16:00.002-04:00

According to most of my books and web resources, Baby Awesome has now graduated from "embryo" status to a "fetus." However, another book claims that it's not until ten weeks that the "embryonic period" ends and the "fetal period" begins. So whatever, I'm not clear on the difference. Our first prenatal appointment is on Thursday at 10 am. I am hoping to hear encouraging news.

Yesterday, Olivia actually jumped into my lap and stayed there for a bit while I was grading papers. We'll make a lap cat of her yet.

I finished all my grading yesterday, and now just have to figure out and post final grades. I also have lots of gardening/yard activities I would like to pursue soon afterwards. And Olivia's big haircut is today! I hope she doesn't look ridiculous when it's over. She's so soft and fluffy now, it seems almost cruel to do this to her. But she's shedding so much, and I've heard this will help. (Though she may be angry with me for a day or so.)

Odor Issues

2009-05-09T21:04:00.003-04:00

I always thought it would be fun to have a super sense of smell. The women in my family already have a fairly acute sense of smell, and I thought maybe pregnancy could turn that into a minor super power. The reality is that this is simply not true. A super sense of smell means that things that normally smell good can now overwhelm, and often have a direct line to your stomach lining. Yesterday, I made rice & quinoa, something I love and that I would consider rather benign in the smell department. I swear, the whole house reeked of it. I had to open a window. It wasn't terrible, but it wasn't fun. Some greens also went bad in the fridge and now I have to hold my breath when I open it, and especially when I open the freezer. Why do odors from the fridge collect up there?

I shouldn't complain too much. Still not vomiting, just nauseated. And tired.

That was a Surprise

2009-05-06T12:11:00.003-04:00

This morning I stopped at Walgreen's to purchase mother's day cards for my mom, my sister, my mother-in-law and my grandma-in-law. As always, the cards were pretty and sentimental and they tugged at my heartstrings. I have heard that pregnant women are particularly susceptible to sentiment, but hadn't experienced it myself yet. A few minutes later I was weeping in the mother's-day-card aisle... tears, runny nose, sobbing breaths, the whole thing.

Quick Update

2009-05-05T12:21:00.001-04:00

I've been feeling pretty well. Saturday was an extremely busy day, and included a lot of bike riding. On Sunday I was pretty beat and struggled with not feeling well. But I caught a break yesterday and today. I'm still tired, but the nausea has abated somewhat. I appreciate the reprieve for certain.

Embracing Nausea

2009-05-01T14:15:00.005-04:00

Nausea is an unfortunate side effect of over half of all pregnancies, and I have found myself located in the overpopulated half of pregnant women. While I have yet to vomit, I experience the aforementioned sensations several times daily, and the thought or smell of certain food can rush them to the forefront. This can make it very hard to eat, and certainly takes much of the pleasure away from what is one of my favorite activities.

The subject of nausea, or me feeling nauseated, has come up so often lately, that it's led to Dirk clearing up the proper use of each word. I kept saying "I feel nauseous," when I should be saying "I feel nauseated." Or so Dirk asserts. But Merriam Webster appears to be backing me up when they say:

Main Entry: nau·seous

Function: adjective

Date: 1612

1 : causing nausea or disgust : nauseating
2 : affected with nausea or disgust

— nau·seous·ly adverb
— nau·seous·ness noun

Usage Those who insist that nauseous can properly be used only in sense 1 and that in sense 2 it is an error for nauseated are mistaken. Current evidence shows these facts: nauseous is most frequently used to mean physically affected with nausea, usually after a linking verb such as feel or become; figurative use is quite a bit less frequent. Use of nauseous in sense 1 is much more often figurative than literal, and this use appears to be losing ground to nauseating. Nauseated is used more widely than nauseous in sense 2.

On the flip side, I have now had two mystical experiences with Papa John’s mushroom pizza. Last night, on the way home from work, I got it in my head that I wanted pizza. I was leery of this desire, having heard a few “pizza triggered my morning sickness” stories, so I settled on the personal size, as a test. That little pizza showed me the world. I experienced every nuance of flavor – from crust, to sauce, to cheese, to mushrooms. Obviously, I went back for more today. After each pizza, my stomach was burning with hunger for MORE PIZZA! To feel a strong desire for food is a godsend; a beloved reprieve from the world of nausea.

Nada

2009-04-29T15:49:00.003-04:00

This is a post that is written for the sole purpose of having posted something. It is odd to have the urge to blog when one has no idea what to say. It is more consistent with my life experience to not be anywhere near my blog but to be writing an imaginary blog in my head about whatever it is I want to say at that time.

I am work waiting for a student to finish a test they missed. Instead of being productive with work stuff, I am catching up on internet stuff.

I ate a nice combo of stir fried rice, beans and various vegetables for lunch. It's been a decent option for my finicky stomach. Recently, many of the foods in our home have suddenly become anathema to me. It is unfortunate, because we currently possess large quantities of those things. But Dirk is valiantly chipping away at our supply of these items. Also, I recently discovered that I might like to live on Annie's Homegrown Cinnamon Bunny Grahams alone, though I try to exercise restraint. I am not actually throwing up, though I think I could quite easily do so if I wished. But I fervently wish not too.

In other developments, our two new trees are looking good. The cherry tree (aka Walter) is putting out buds and the Black Hills Spruce (aka Larry, The Christmas Tree) is looking good as new. Dirk recently purchased a reel lawn mower, and spent an hour and a half pushing it around our yard last night. We're hoping to get rid of as much grass as possible, but all in due time. We'll be adding blueberry, raspberry and lilac bushes soon and cutting out a vegetable garden and a native wildflower garden. We'll also likely be getting the backyard fenced for kids and dogs. Though we'd love to just have a natural fence of lilacs, it probably isn't a practical barrier.

Olivia, our kitty, will turn one on May 15. We think she's showing a little less interest in playing now that she's almost a grown up, but are also aware that we have been less interested in playing now that we're often exhausted. She still gets plenty of affection though, and I let her hone her attack skills with me. For whatever reason, so will only directly attack me. She always stops short with Dirk. Don't worry though; she doesn't bite hard, and I could totally take her if I need to. We both admit to being pretty smitten with her.

The semester is ending. Finals are next week. Can't not be happy about that! Then I have most of the month of May to myself, as does Dirk. I'll be teaching for most of June and some of July, totaling five weeks. Then the rest of the summer is mine.

How to Count

2009-04-24T11:48:00.002-04:00

With these pregnancy sites and books, I'm running into the classic problem: Do you start counting at 0 or 1? So either I am six weeks and five days or five weeks and five days. According to this site, which is a pretty cool pregnancy calendar with photos, it's the former. Either way, it's just a counting issue. But I like hearing the bigger number; it's more satisfying.

I'm still not experiencing morning sickness, but my stomach feels somewhat icky, which makes many foods seem unappetizing. What I really like right now is simple popcorn made on the stove.

Week Six, Day Five

2009-04-23T16:52:00.005-04:00

This ad on the baby site made me laugh:

Not much is going on. I still feel pretty darn good. I'm just waiting for the big nausea bomb to hit me in the face. And trying to think positively of course.

This picture also gave me pause. I don't know the exact age of this kid, but he's pretty damn young.

These other pictures were interesting too. Most of the baby sites and books just have drawings, not actual photos. So I like these.

TMI Begins Today!

2009-04-21T13:30:00.004-04:00

I don't believe my blog has loads of readers, but I do know that there are some "surprise" readers, thanks to Dirk's friendships. So plan on receiving more information via this channel than you normally might if we were meeting in person.

I am bored. This boredom has found me voting for baby names at All Baby Names Polls because that's how non-eventful my five-week-and-three-day pregnancy has been so far. It's like my body expects me to live a normal life while my brain is obsessed with this new information that simply cannot be properly grappled with. Supposedly, the Baby Awesome I am knitting together in my nether regions looks like this:

It is the size of a sesame seed, so I look the same. That did not stop me from wearing my sister's pink maternity pants to work today because well, I'm playing dress up. It reminds me of when I used to wear my mom's maxi pads in my underwear just to practice for later. They don't actually look like maternity pants, but I have to pull the strings VERY tight, or they start working their way off me while I walk. Bending over is also somewhat risque.

And yes, I have some pregnancy symptoms, but nothing intense like barfing all day long. I know it's incredibly stupid to be wishing for morning sickness and I will regret it the moment it actually starts, but something, anything more tangible would be very welcome now. Because I can only read about what this tadpole-tailed-Awesomite looks like so many times before it's all the same-old, same-old.

I think what I'm learning is that Pregnancy is not a hobby. You have to go FIND SOMETHING ELSE TO DO. Like work, maybe. Maybe I should do some work.

Moments with Olivia

2009-04-09T13:33:00.002-04:00

Every night, usually after 3 am, Olivia starts making her visits to me. Sometimes there are several, sometimes just one. When she's not visiting, she's off doing her thing, or sleeping at my feet. Last night was a special visit. I awoke around 3:30 am with Olivia purring on my chest. The purring is normal. What was unusual was that she had her head right up by my chin. This led to what was either a lot of head bunting (which is sweet), or attempts to settle herself around my chin bones. She eventually placed her paws on either side of my chin, and they felt so soft on my cheeks. She was essentially cradling my face, and purring away. Ten? or twenty? minutes later, she surprised me with three rough licks on the cheek and went her own way.

I so love her.

Cobbler

2009-03-31T20:21:00.002-04:00

I really like to eat dough. Especially if it is chewy. My favorite is cobbler dough sans baking soda, though I also like pizza dough and bread dough will do as well. Sometimes I just make dough for myself. I try not to do that too much.

Dirk is tired and he is watching "Andy Ricter is King of the Universe or My Hero" or something like that. I was catching up on Monster's blog and making peach & blueberry cobbler. I only ate a little bit of the dough. I also plan to start reading the second book of the Twilight series tonight. Unfortunately, unlike the rest of the world, I do not like the series all that much. It's not a page-turner for me. I am forcing myself to read it because I keep hoping I will change my mind about it. Plus my sister liked it so much, I just have to keep trying. And I am a TEENY bit curious about what happens to the characters, but only a TEENY bit. At least it's a start. One of my students told me that it really picks up at the end of book 2 and book 3 is great. She says book 2 is a downer. Great. But I still plan to push through.

Olivia is downstairs watching TV with Dirk. Earlier she was hanging out with me in the kitchen and looking for some love. Earlier than that she was tearing around like a maniac, running away from me (and yes, I did chase her), and also running towards me to attack. (Her attacks are pretty harmless, but if you position your head low enough, it can look pretty terrifying.) I exaggerate when I use the word "terrifying." Also, I should tell you that Olivia smells really good. She always has.

School

2009-03-27T11:43:00.002-04:00

I gave a test this week on basic trigonometry that resulted in 44% of the class getting F's, 17% getting D's and 2 people (or 1.69%) getting A's. It was abysmal. But nobody shot the messenger/grader (that being me) when I returned the tests yesterday. I told them that we all get kicked in the teeth sometimes and recovery is possible. But obviously we all need to do a lot more work. I say "we" because I take some responsibility for this, but mostly I mean YOU STUDENTS need to do A LOT MORE WORK. We'll see who picks up the ball.

I am slowly being won over to the idea of toilet-training our cat. I still think it's a little weird though and I feel somewhat bad for Olivia, having to do that. But from the online videos I've watched, a lot of cats manage this just fine. Supposedly it's a bad idea to teach a cat to flush though, because they will do it over and over and over again!

Message to Me

2009-03-25T12:34:00.002-04:00

Before I begin my message, I just want to note that my friend, Monster, finally invited me to her new blog and I find it thoroughly entertaining and it's really catching me up on her life. If there's one thing Monster is doing well with her blog, it's that she's being honest about the angst in her life, which for me makes for interesting. I don't mean to imply that I am only interested in people's problems, but I'm definitely interested in what they're really thinking inside.

So back to me, and my message for myself: Dirk and I purchased a spin bike for me about two months ago. I've been rather lax about exercising on it, though of course I WANT to... My weight and overall size have returned to what they were a year ago, pre-wedding exercise push, and it's disappointing and makes me feel a bit embarrassed about myself. (I know this for certain because I have a certain shirt and pair of pants that I absolutely could not wear in public right now, but they looked great on me last summer.) On the plus side, my ability to do a 'wheel' is still there - so my back muscles haven't quit on me, and my cycling endurance is still decent. So I didn't lose everything. Oh, and my legs are still stretchy.

I bought a few spinning videos to give me the guidance of the classroom, which I very much like, but laziness has found me mostly watching FRIENDS episodes while I exercise instead. My heart rate monitor says I'm doing okay (I LOVE the heart rate monitor BTW), but the working out just ain't fun and afterwards I mostly feel like I'm lazy and would rather be eating on the couch while watching FRIENDS. This morning, I made myself watch the real exercise video instead and WHAT A DIFFERENCE it makes! The workout is actually more fun when I'm focused on it, and I don't realize my heart rate is getting up there, and it gets me BREATHING. The oxygen is likely the key to walking a way from a workout feeling GOOD, instead of disappointed in myself. In spin classes at the gym, I always find myself breathing very deeply, and watching FRIENDS never makes that happen. Watching the video totally does that though. At one point the instructor (who is this super intense, almost weird, guy - but I like him) asked us to close our eyes and relax just before the big hill. He reminded us that we can be relaxed while simultaneously working really hard. I always forget that. When I opened my eyes I saw my living room in this new "very aware" light. I felt very present. Somehow this hyper-attention translated into NOT listening to what the instructor was saying and suddenly our hill was over and it was time to cool down. But I was okay with that. I'll listen next time. My deep breathing was my principle attention getter and it continued throughout my shower and is still going on a bit almost two hours later. It makes an incredible difference in how I feel. I have to remember this: I like oxygen.

Young Girl Addresses UN

2009-03-23T13:25:00.005-04:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5BDFz-zqB2g

I was surprised to see that this video has only been watched 609 times. She doesn't say anything shocking or really new, but it's a good reminder of how we should be thinking, and I'm very impressed that a 12-13 year old girl was able to do that.

Garden Starter Idea

2009-03-05T14:30:00.001-05:00

For those of you who plan to start your gardens indoors, you might like this idea:

Use a cardboard toilet paper tube in place of a peat pot. Fill with potting soil, place in a plastic butter/ice cream tub, plant the seed and water. When the plants sprouts, plant the seedling (tube and all) in the ground. The tube rots away.

Note to Self

2009-03-03T16:32:00.003-05:00

Today was an enjoyable teaching day. The key element was that I had lots of one-on-one interactions with students with real problem-solving concerns. All three of my classes were working on problems in teams today, so there was ample opportunity to discuss next steps with them. I also returned a homework assignment that they can fix up, so that generated a real "need-to-know" urgency. Finally, another former student came to see me to work on Calculus problems. This has been happening with relative frequency, which I like because (a) It means these students liked my teaching style and believe I can help them, (b) I get to talk about Calculus, which I don't get to teach at this college and (c) The level of Calculus taught here (i.e. the rigor) is tougher, so I am learning/reviewing as I help.

I like these scenarios because it really feels like I'm helping, advocating learning, and communicating with my students. When I'm lecturing in front of the class, I know I'm only reaching a few students, and for the most part it's an exercise in routines. I just don't believe much in the lecture model anymore. It seems to work well for the stronger students who do their work and study. It seems to be lost on the majority of students who don't pull their weight outside of the classroom.

Changing the subject, my number one priority right now has been my kitty, Olivia. I have definitely fallen hard for her. I'm am all about learning about cats. I will refrain from gushing.

Olivia Awesome

2009-02-18T20:50:00.012-05:00

Olivia Awesome is currently sequestered in our laundry room / half bath. She is getting acclimated slowly. We plan to unleash the whole house on her by Friday night. Thanks to her explorations, we've learned that there is a lot of dust trapped behind the washing machine and dryer.

She's done very well today. She meowed sadly in the car, until Dirk was there to hold her carrier and pet her. Then she was perfectly quiet. She was a good explorer of the doctor's office and handled her one shot with grace. She did get annoyed at the fingernail inspection, but who wouldn't?

She's a little less cuddly than she was at the Human Society, but she's got a lot more territory to explore as well. She's playful and pretty and we're happy she's here. It's been a long day for Olivia and for myself. I spent most of the day freaking out about bringing her home. Dirk gave me the okay this morning, and suddenly the field of cat ownership was wide open...

Surprises

2009-02-02T13:15:00.002-05:00

So one of my constant laments is that when I lecture I get so little interaction from my students. I want them to respond, ask thoughtful questions, poke around for more information, suggest that they could use another example etc. And today THEY DID, and wouldn't ya know it? I was worried about getting done with the material in time. It all was quite lovely, but then various people kept on with the asking questions. And then one person did the "I just don't get it" thing and well, that will eat up some serious time. And I have to admit, I JUDGED HER FOR IT. My brain was saying, "Seriously, for real? You don't get it?" That was the turning point where I realized I needed NO MORE QUESTIONS PLEASE.

It's all so screwed up, this system of learning. My students faces tell me they are generally not happy to be there, even if their evaluations are generally quite kind. Somehow (I believe) I represent "the man" and it feels like it's more about being subjugated to something than actually learning math. And when I finally get some interaction, I am so limited by this 50 minute period that I can't really go with it like I want to.

I know this is old news, this problem we have with education, but it hit me in a slightly different way today.

I also realized today (or admitted) that I really don't like to problem-solve. I like to calculate things, graph things, but not work out quirky puzzles. That is why Dirk has the PhD in math and I don't. (Not that he has a PhD in quirky puzzles, but that he has an infinite amount of patient and desire to work through things.)

I also don't see how I could spend my life teaching algebra. One of my co-workers once told me that it takes seven years to become a good teacher. Well I am almost there, with seven full-time years and maybe ten total. I have changed a lot, so I do believe I'm a better teacher, but I really don't know. It's very hard to know what to do with the feedback you receive as a teacher. This is why I might need to become a professional gardener instead.

Obama

2009-01-21T11:49:00.003-05:00

You might have noticed that I'm not really into the political blogging, but Dirk does rub off on me at times (his skin is quite flaky), and so I'll just note that I'm very happy to have Obama in office today.

One might be interested to know that Dirk and I once listed all the ways we have changed each other and it looks like he's changed me way more than I've changed him. How is that even possible? I do not know. Mostly he has expanded my TV-series watching, and I forget the rest.

I forgot that a woman was coming by this morning to pick up the moving boxes. When the doorbell rang, I assumed it was just the UPS guy and he would immediately go away. Answering the door in my turquoise polka-dotted robe with flannel pajamas, no bra and bead-head is low on my list of "want-to-do's." But I peeked quickly and saw it was a person with real intention ringing my bell and upon opening the door learned that she was there for my boxes. I helped her load them up, which meant a neighbor driving by spotted me. (Not just any neighbor, but the one across the street, who I have intentions of meeting soon.) My brain quickly dug up a very ancient warning from my mother that one should not be the lady who lets the neighbors see her in her bathrobe. Oops.

I can only thank my mother for the endless deposits of warnings and shamings she managed to indoctrinate me with over the years. I could create an impressive list of rules mandating how one's life should and should not be lived a-la mother style. :)

Doodles

2009-01-21T10:56:00.003-05:00

It is Wednesday, and I don't have class, so I am staying home and attempting not to be overly ambitious with my day. I keep saying I want to stay home and sit on the couch in the sunshine. We get some great light in here, especially in the afternoon and I don't really get to enjoy it. So I'm trying to focus on that today.

I just finished watching the latest episode of The Bachelor and it totally cracked me up. Some of the girls are hysterically stupid, and two are vicious and the rest are just sweet, though their respective personal issues are definitely coming out. Dirk has pointed out that I am finding this show funny, and perhaps that means I could start finding The Office funny, and go easier on the cast of Arrested Development. I have been hard on both shows because the characters are such awful people. I did end up wanting to finish Arrested Development but have only made it about six episodes into the British version of The Office so far. I had to take a break, and will admit to having forgotten all about it at this point. I just can't stand Ricky Gervais' character, the boss. I have failed to find him funny, yet I do find these bachelorettes to be very amusing. I generally think The Bachelor is a twisted concept, but I'm liking it in a more genuine way this time. (As opposed to "I'm watching a train wreck and can't look away," or just not bothering to watch.)This season has me hooked!

The new house is great. I love being in it, and rue the fact that I have to go to work and leave it behind. Of course, if I didn't have somewhere to go, I might quickly feel that the house is a trap of some kind, and I feel lucky to have my job. The new semester is off to a good start. I haven't gotten back into an exercise routine yet, and could've used one more week of free time, but I'm getting back to where I want to be. Having some free space on Wednesdays is helping, especially since Tuesday and Thursdays are so packed.

My friend Kristin has recently written about trying to quiet her mind and sit still. I, like everyone else who commented on her post, have similar troubles and am trying to be more conscious about them today. Staying off the phone and computer would be a good start, but I'm not fully capable of that yet. Writing in my blog is something I haven't done for ages anyway.

Back to the house, the main things left to do (decorating-wise) are (1) deal with the big blank wall in the living room, and (2) choose paint colors. Both are decisions that I plan to get some expert advice on before jumping in. So these items are on the slow list.

I'm still happy about the Minnesota winter. I love having all this snow and the cold has been fun too. There is a lot of sun, which keeps my spirits up. Our house lets in all the sun, which might be one big reason why spending the day in my windowless office is less appealing to me. I'm looking forward to creating a garden and landscaping in the spring, but can be patient for now.

Overall, Dirk and I are settling in and starting to feel more at home. We're having our first guests on Saturday. A childhood friend of mine, Joel, and his wife and son are coming over. I grew up with Joel in Michigan and now we live near each other in MN. That's a pleasant surprise. We have many other guests we want to invite over as well and are starting that process. Dirk's parents and grandma have been up several times to help us get settled in as well. I'll be soliciting paint color opinions from everyone who walks through our door. If you'd like to advise on such matters, please raise your hand!

Me

2009-01-05T23:40:00.001-05:00

I have a cold that is almost over and I should be in bed. I did not finish writing my syllabus yesterday like I should've. I am far too busy spending money online for house things. Today the duvet came and I decided I might like it enough to keep it. I love, love, love our house. Amen.

Craig's List "Platonic Ad"

2008-11-28T16:55:00.001-05:00

"I'm looking for a friend..I have been in Minnesota a little over a year and I have no friends."

There's something preciously pathetic about that ad.

Kurt

2008-11-28T16:51:00.002-05:00

Just finished up Vonnegut's Bluebeard. I want to write like he does.

At Kyler's House

2008-11-28T16:42:00.002-05:00

Kyler is drawing under the table with his crayons. His mom (my sister) is onto him, but he's still pushing his luck. He has a little table with two little chairs and he is currently sitting underneath it. Nope, now he's crawling out and bringing a book over to Mommy. Mommy has spent his and Adia's naptimes making the holiday card. I've acted as advisor, as I also did for Dirk's mom's holiday card. That card is a wedding photo of the Awesome family. I toyed around with creating my own holiday card and then decided I ultimately didn't want to. (Too much effort, too much paper, I can't help but imagine our wedding photo in the trash.)

We close on our new house this Monday, Dec 1. I'm terribly excited to finally have a home! I am nearly through with house-squatting. Woo! It will be fun to see my stuff again, actually use the wedding gifts and be masters of our domain. We have some painting in our future, which means picking colors. I'm a bit leery of that, but ultimately think it will turn out well. Landscaping will be a big part of our lives as well. I'm hoping to have a good garden this summer.

School is going okay. People are getting tired. I get a little cranky when people don't even try to hide their lack of interest in my lectures. Some are still hanging in there though. I've gotta shake things up a little bit so we don't get too comfortable in our ruts.

Dolly Parton is on Ellen. She has some big bossoms, that lady.

Facebook

2008-10-27T15:26:00.002-04:00

Facebook has become my new addiction, and I thought maybe I should try channeling some of that energy over here. It's perhaps more useful. Or just another way to waste time on the internet.

My three classes are done for the day. They are so quiet - it makes me nervous. But by class number three, I was pretty okay with it. And they were a little more "with me," or so I felt. There are some faces in there though that are so completely inert and zoned. I can't help but wonder if they are very unhappy people. Even standing in the hall, these kids can look just beaten by life. It makes me wonder if I look that way when I think nobody's watching. Lots of people look like that on the bus too. No energy.

Facebook gets me thinking a lot about being "out" about my religious and political beliefs/ideals. The first 22 years of my life were shared with some pretty conservative folks. Facebook brings us all together again and it's hard for me to throw it all out there. Yet, I don't want to be hiding anything either. The last 23 years of my life have been lived with people of the opposite persuasion, so that's not an issue. It's also fun to see how many of the folks from back in the day have changed along with me. But that hasn't stopped me from posting, deleting and re-posting my views several times over. Lucky for us all, Facebook announces everything you do to the entire world.

There's also been some Facebook drama this fall. It's hard navigating the waters of people's expectations. If anything, I'm get some very good reminders that everybody sees the world differently.

On another note, the move to the new house is just a month away. I'm looking forward to having my own home with Dirk. Living in someone else's home is getting old, though I still do appreciate the opportunity it was.

Hello World

2008-10-21T08:39:00.002-04:00

It is possible that I am only blogging to delay the point in time when I must get into the shower. I do not like the shower where we are living because it is very cold. The water is also random - I cannot control it's temperature as I would like. Mostly it's cold though because the bathroom is big and there is a lot of space between the top of the shower and the ceiling. I do not look forward to my showers, which is sad for me, because normally I would. Normally I would see a shower as a time to be warm and relax. But that is not the case for now. The shower is the number one reason I am looking forward to our new home. OK, perhaps it's tied with having my own stuff again and being in charge of my own space too.

The downside will be my commute to work, though Dirk's will improve. Right now I can bike to school in five minutes. I will likely drive once we move. I could, however, walk to a bus stop and make 3 transfers. Maybe that will be okay. I'll at least give it a go once or twice.

Things are fine. I do have a cold and it's moved into the coughing, weak voice stage. There is some congestion happening. This Thursday starts my fall break, and I am grateful for that . Things have been hectic at work and I need a break, plus now I don't have to cancel classes to recover from my illness.

Dirk has been traveling to conferences. He was gone all last weekend, and now is going to Chicago for one night. It's kind of fun to be on my own, but I was also really happy when he came back - and not so happy that he had to go away again so soon. But absence does make my heart feel fonder, I suppose.

I've been obsessively reading Laura Ingalls Wilder's "Little House" series. I had no idea these books would be so great from an adult perspective. I can go on and on about them. But I won't right now, because I need to take a shower and go to work.

The Old Days

2008-09-21T21:34:00.001-04:00

I seem to have forgotten that our blogs exist. Perhaps it's because I've been too busy, or because I've become a Facebook Whore. I'm not sure which.

Radio Silence

2008-08-26T08:34:00.002-04:00

Um, I am not trying to ignore you all. In my imagination, moving to MN would mean immediately having time to see our family and friends here. Well, that was wrong. We did see Dirk's parents - only because they came to visit us.

Moving has been exciting and there hasn't been time to miss Boston at all really. But there's a lot to manage. My new college has loads of things for me to learn - I don't know how many computer systems I need access to and have to remember where/how/when to access. My classes move at a MUCH faster pace than I am used to. I realized last night that my idea of working once a week teaching (when we have kids) only made sense at my old job where classes were offered once a week. Even though I knew that classes here are every day, I somehow clung to the old model when I envisioned the future. So suddenly my future job options are less clear to me. We're renting a very old house, which comes with it's own unique challenges. There's a little bathroom sink issue going on right now that will require me to bring the handy neighbor over soon. (Neighbors and everybody here are super ridiculously nice. Seriously. I thought I was a really nice person - a shining stand out in the world of east coasters. Now I find out there is a whole state of people nicer than me! As nice as Dirk!) I don't think this niceness necessarily applies to my department. Though they are nice enough, I already think there are some to be careful of. They're probably all transplants anyway.

We found a house we might make an offer on. Surprisingly, we agree (in a Yes, No, Maybe) sense on every house we see. This is a tremendous help to the process. We might have a tiny electric vehicle in our future too, though perhaps that is a few years off. It's not clear yet.

The place we are renting is only about 12 blocks to my job, so I am biking every day and love it. The campus is so exciting. I never worked on a real campus before. Eating in the cafeteria is a total kick for me. They have so many choices - including strawberry-infused water. I like the asian stir fry (were you pick all the ingredients yourself and these guys pan fry it up), the salad bar, and the soft serve ice cream the best.

I have a friend there who is also new, and she is really fun and easy to talk to. We do lunch.

Dirk took a spill on his bike and hairline fractured his left elbow. So there have been a lot of bandage wraps in our lives lately.

My class yesterday told me that no, they do not hate fractions. This is not at all what I am used to. I'm not even totally able to believe them at this point, but will see soon enough.

OK, I'm done for now I think.

Between Dreams & Lucidity

2008-08-12T07:17:00.005-04:00

Conversation in my head as I was waking up:

Woman (speaking to me in reference to my mother): "She can't do anything."

Me: "Well, she could just pick the fried relishes off the road."

Bummer

2008-08-06T10:41:00.002-04:00

My unidentified squash is a pumpkin. I am no longer so excited about "expecting." The pumpkin will mature long after I am gone, and (as I already knew but did not want to accept) it is not a zucchini, which is what I really wanted. Yes, I am a terrible mother. :)

But it was fun learning about this plant and it's neat to finally know what it is. Plus now I can say I had pumpkin sex, via a paintbrush. Yay!

Adia Rose

2008-08-06T10:32:00.001-04:00

My niece is here! She was born last night. No photos yet.

Success

2008-07-30T09:50:00.001-04:00

My squash is growing.

My Recent Learning in Squash Fertilization, etc.

2008-07-27T13:37:00.004-04:00

This is a female flower, with the "bud" below it that will become the squash if the flower is fertilized.

These close-ups of the male and female bits didn't come out so well. I am hoping somebody will tell me why. I had the camera set on "Auto" and it has handled close-ups well in the past. The light was somewhat bright (it was about 11 am), but the sunlight was not direct. Any ideas?

Here's a shot with both the female (left) and male (right) flowers.

This is the whole plant.

The spine of the plant is interesting. As it matures it gets black and very thick. The plant also shoots out little tendrils to wrap itself around items since it likes to crawl about.

This is a closeup of the leaf. I've googled many images of squash leaves, but have yet to identify my plant in particular. Maybe one of you guys will know exactly what it is.

Expecting

2008-07-27T08:06:00.002-04:00

I just performed Unidentified-Squash Sex for the first time. I used a paintbrush and was fully clothed. Both a male and female flower were waiting for me this morning, and I rushed at the opportunity to mate them. I am hoping to report the identity of my squash plant soon.

Yesterday was good. Today should be good too. Dirk pointed out that my blog from two days ago might make people think he is spending all my money. If you know Dirk, you will know that he spends very little money in general, so that is not the case. If you do not know him, then now you know.

I am using Mozilla's Firefox 3 and liking it.

We are one episode away from finishing Angel, Season 1. Then we can move on to Buffy, Season 5.

Day Off

2008-07-26T13:24:00.002-04:00

Today is my Day Off from Everybody. Dirk went to Maine to drive trolleys and my roommate is out of the house most of the day and night. I purposely did not make any plans for the weekend and am rejecting any social offers for these two days. I am only going to socialize with Dirk, minimalizing interactions with everyone else. It's kind of hard for me to do though, because there are friends I don't see so often and people I'd like to call. But I am not allowed this weekend. I said so.

Grouch

2008-07-25T06:50:00.004-04:00

I've been very grouchy this summer, and I blame it on (1) not sleeping enough and (2) not enough alone time. In regards to (2), I noticed that when my roommate went away for five days and it was just Dirk and myself, I was not so grouchy. But since then, it is back to four people in the house (two couples is a lot, even when you have two bathrooms), and there have been various guests visiting for a week - none of whom are my guests, so I haven't born much responsibility for them.

While I seem to be pretty extroverted and I think I like people, I also have this very strong desire to hide from them all. If introverts are defined by recharging alone - then that is an introverted desire. The problem is that I seem to be pulled in two directions: I don't like to miss anything, and am constantly trying to "catch up" with all the people I care about. But I also find it very taxing to constantly be balancing my needs with those of others. This is likely made worse by my profession, which comes with approximately 100 students, some with very strong, nearly impossible, needs. I stuffed my four classes into just Monday and Tuesday this semester, so by Tuesday night, my emotional capacity is pretty maxed out. I've then been working a second, freelance job Wed - Fri (half days) for the past three weeks. Today is my last day of that. So there will be a lot more "alone time" opps in my near future.

I also do a relatively poor job managing my calendar. I will often not take into account that handling over x amount of appointments in a day is going to stress me out. And then I have to live the stressful day I planned for myself. So a little more self-care, or looking out for Number One may be in order. I could also reduce the number of people I care about - but I doubt that will happen. But I could start scheduling time away from everybody - which is often recommended in women's magazines for "Busy Moms" and the like. I'm probably just that "woman who can't say no" and "neglects her needs before everyone elses" and then bitches about it like crazy. I think Dirk is getting tired of that.

Speaking of Dirk, he is much more hip than I am to this sharing of everything that married people supposedly do. For instance, he is much more comfortable spending my money than I am spending his, and he wants to share a laptop - which I am totally against. I think he is a much more tolerant person than I am, and less sensitive to outside "noise." (Editor's Note: To be fair to myself, while the impulse is there to call myself selfish, I feel I should acknowledge that I pay for more things and it's my laptop we're sharing, not his. So I am sharing, albeit begrudgingly.)

On another note, I made myself some cobbler dough this morning. It was good, but I ate too much of it and feel funny now.

And on yet another note, I have an unidentified squash plant in my balcony garden that has been growing nicely and flowering, but producing no fruit. However, I read today that they mostly produce male flowers for awhile, and I need some female flowers. It looks like I do have one female flower preparing to open. Then I can fertilize it with a paintbrush. (No bees seem to be visiting my seventh floor balcony garden.) The tomatoes are fine as always. Still green though.

My niece was officially at full-term on Sunday. Now, every day she remains in utero is just icing on the cake for her. Her name is Adia Rose, and I am looking forward to seeing her when we drive through Chicago in August.

Our move date is three weeks from yesterday. I should also add that this unsettled feeling of knowing I'm leaving, but not really comprehending it all, probably adds to my grouchiness.

I did get a full-time teaching job however. The pay is right too - I feel terribly lucky about that.

Now I have to run around and play "late for work." This is a game I play a lot, presumably because the morning is the only time I really get to myself. I often piddle it away much faster than I realize. And now I see that it is seriously piddled.

Dreams

2008-07-08T08:01:00.002-04:00

It seems that dream posts are in this week.

Two nights ago I dreamt that I had gotten married to some kid I knew in college and now I had to get that taken care of, because I just got married to Dirk. This process led to me discovering that I was also married to someone else (who I now forget), that a divorce would effectively break up someone else's marriage, and that I was also married to Dirk's friend, Angela B. It was a whole series of marital complications.

Last night I dreamt that there was a third Awesome son. This was a secret son. To meet him you had to stand very quietly by this table and pet this object and if you were really calm and patient, then the third son would appear. The third son was a very frail, sickly looking cat. Once the cat appeared, you could pet it as well. It was kind of scary looking.

Bike Ridin'

2008-07-01T21:05:00.002-04:00

Rode my bike to work today. Ahhhhhh. Love the bike riding. Such a beautiful day for it too. The ride takes exactly 25 minutes and is complete with river scenery, a really nice, old neigborhood, a few hills up, a few hills down, and some trafficy areas. Overall, very nice though.

The Wedding is Over

2008-07-01T09:12:00.004-04:00

It has finally happened - after three weeks of wedding, honeymoon, a brief return to real life, followed by a reception in Minnesota, I am exhausted. Not exhausted in a run-over-by-a-truck way, but in a super-relaxed, sleepy, I-just-want-to-sit-on-the-couch-all-day, way. Unfortunately, I have one day of work left in my two-day work week and I am supposed to be there in 45 minutes, which is quickly becoming impossible as I am like a turtle, or something very soft and cuddly that moves very, very slowly. Yes, I feel very soft, like a happy drunk perhaps. I think my body has been infused with some kind of relaxant hormone.

Signed,
Skye Xyan Awesome

* This blog was posted for Bad Z, who I met in MN and who indicated that she might actually read my blog sometimes.
** Thanks to Tsjaz, who is reminding the world that "Xyan" is pronounced "Ryan." You have no idea how happy I was to hear that somebody is paying attention to the very important minutiae of my life.

Five Days

2008-06-02T07:25:00.003-04:00

It is wedding week, people and it is jam packed with activities. I work (10 am - 6:30 pm) and play (after work) all day Monday and Tuesday and then we fly to Indiana on Wed. Dirk has pals, Shawn and Laura in town for Mon-Wed as well, and he will be marrying them (he's an internet-ordained "Dude-ist" as in "The Dude" from The Big Lebowski) tonight. Tomorrow night is a big Sex & the City girl's night out for me. Wednesday we travel, and get Dirk's clothes to the dry cleaner/presser. Thursday we get a marriage license, I have my final dress fitting and Dirk's parents come to town and we all have dinner. Friday I have a nail appt, and then Dirk's parents and I (and Dirk? and my parents?) make a cute little posterboard with all our childhood photos, we rehearse at 4:30 and are rehearsal dinnering by 6. Whew!

Then Saturday I'm up at the crack of dawn (6:30 am) for our 2 pm wedding. Yes, for some reason, all that pre-wedding jazz will take that long. My hair's getting done at 8 am!

Perhaps I'll have the where-with-all to report more later!

School

2008-05-24T08:47:00.002-04:00

I started my summer semester a few weeks ago. In our second class I decided to bring a couple easy Sudoku puzzles and when students finished their quizzes, I traded them for a Sudoku. I figured this would give them something to do while they wait for others to finish, and it's also a good exercise for them. I also like the idea of linking games and puzzles to algebra because I personally like to look at algebra as a game or puzzle, and I know the students don't agree with me on this.

The upshot of my story is that a number of students did not know the rules to Sudoku, but most had seen people playing it on the train. Others had never gotten very far with the puzzle. Many were reluctant to start, but viewed it as an assignment of sorts, plus I told them they had to do it. It was rewarding to me to hear several students exclaim their success at some point during the class and announce that this was their first Sudoku ever. I'm going to try bringing an easy and a medium puzzle next time, as some kids are also very fast at the game.

This means my class would in large part be about algebra, Sudoku (and maybe I will branch out to other puzzles), and working in teams. It sounds fun to me.

A new dishwasher is being delivered to my apartment right now. I'm glad I was awake for it. I was up until 2:30 last night thanks to my night-owl guests, Ken and Maureen, and awake by 7:30. They were drinking port (I had some, but was not in awe of it like Ken was), we ate pizza and folded origami a bit and mostly talked about sex and relationships. It seems that many group conversations go in this direction, and I'm thinking there is a direct correlation between being single and talking about relationships. Now I realize that "relationships" is way too general of a word, because with my married friends, we still talk about relationships, but in a different way entirely. The "single way" still interests me, but not nearly the way it used to. I also think that there was some posturing and sizing up of potential datability going on last night and I was the observer for a lot of the night.

I can blog about running, too!

2008-04-23T09:29:00.003-04:00

OK, so my running blog will be a bit different than all of yours. I am blogging elbows with quite a lot of accomplished runners, I realize.

I pretty much hate running, and rarely bother with it and never get very far. However, since I got all into the gym, I've been more fit and noticed here and there (while running for the bus, for instance) that perhaps I *can* run after all. So I decided to give it a go on Monday and headed to the park, where I ran for 15 minutes with no problem. Unfortunately, all that bouncing around (or something) affected my digestive tract and I literally had to book it home for well, more running of sorts. Sorry if that's TMI, but it was one of those unfortunate illnesses where you break out in cold sweat and think you might die. (Yet somehow I managed a few crossword clues in the midst of this.) Afterwards I crashed in my bed for an hour. It was an unfortunate punishment when the rest of the running went so well.

I decided to get back on the horse the next morning and ran for ten minutes, with no troubles, but still didn't really dig running, was feeling lazy and went home. (The blister on my foot from the previous run was also making itself known.)

The funny thing has been how sore odd muscles in my legs have been. My legs are a lot stronger than they used to be thanks to spinning, lunges and squats, but clearly running for even a short period taxes more parts of the leg than I realized. Sitting down and going down stairs has been a very "in the moment" experience for me these last 24 hours. I even seemed to have worked something in my back.

My conclusion is that my cardiovascular system is up for the running, my digestive system is hit or miss (maybe just a coincidence given others considerations like PMS) and my lower muscular structure needs some beefing up. I might give it a go again when the soreness subsides.

All Quiet on the Blogger Front

2008-04-21T18:59:00.001-04:00

Wow... everybody is waaaaay behind on their blogging. It's like we all got bored of our game or something. (Except for Sung Sook, who is RIGHT ON TOP of things. Thanks for letting me know about Bobo's birthday! HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO BOBO!)

Anybody Seen this Film?

2008-04-14T18:11:00.001-04:00

I keep hearing about Ben Stein's film, but have not seen it. It's been debunked here though: Expelled.

2008-03-19T18:26:00.000-04:00

I thought Dirk would appreciate this picture of my nephew and Dr. Dave's Golden Retriever, Jake.

Makin' My Way Back

2008-03-10T09:22:00.002-04:00

I am slowly making my way back from the throes of illness. It's been 11 days now. I got my voice back two days ago, but I still haven't got my energy back in full force. I did go to an easy class at the gym yesterday and might go spinning today. But I also stayed up late to go to the movie Juno with Dirk and I can tell that set me back a little. The cough lingers, but is pretty mild. One thing that has not changed is my difficulty eating breakfast. I mostly have my appetite back, but not for breakfast. I haven't managed to finish my oatmeal once all week. Today I am eating it really slowly because I now know the kind of overwhelmed reaction to expect from my body. It's like the oatmeal and fruit provide this massive sugar rush that it just can't handle.

My week consisted of a lot of time in bed watching Friends. It got to the point where the characters just became a part of my normal waking life. Dirk came over every day, and luckily has not gotten sick. Since I couldn't talk, we spent a lot more time in silence than I was used to. It reminded me that Dirk doesn't actually say much unless you ask him questions. He is more comfortable being quiet than I am. I can think of a bazillion things to say in comparison to him. My dependence on my voice appears to be rather high.

Last night Dirk and I booked our honeymoon flight. We are heading to Sweden and Norway in June. Other places we considered were Curitiba, Brazil, Portugal, Spain, Costa Rica, Thailand, Scotland, Austria, and The Czech Republic. But we came back around to Scandinavia. Making the decision was a big item on the to-due list. Things are coming together.

Hacker

2008-03-01T08:06:00.003-05:00

The hacker would be me and it is phlegm that I am hacking, not computer systems. I have been in my bed for about fourteen hours, twelve of them were spent in some state of sleep. I woke up about every two hours. I was having annoying dreams which included "blog brain," by which I mean the state of mind where you are imaging the blog post you would write about what is happening to you. I do that in real life, and here it was happening in my dreams. Sometime after 4 am, when I had drugged myself with Nyquil again, I started sleeping more normally. I would even argue that I feel well rested, though my throat and cough are not any better.

Decision Made

2008-02-26T15:05:00.002-05:00

I forgot to mention that Dirk accepted a job last week up at St. Ben's. So we are moving north, people! I know the majority of my blog people are Minnesotans, so they will be pleased. The people over here in Beantown are more in the "happy for you, but not happy" camp. Can you blame them? :)

I am sad to leave Boston after ten great years, but excited for phase new, too. We should be moving in August.

I Heart the Gym

2008-02-26T08:19:00.008-05:00

So I've been faithfully hitting the gym four to five times a week since Jan 2. I've been spinning, rebounding (that's a trampoline thing), strength training, yoga-ing, stepping and boxing. I love, love, love this all-women's gym called Healthworks. It's fantastic and I almost always want to go there. It's the first time I really want to exercise since, well, maybe ever. (I don't think all the playing around the neighborhood I did as a kid counts.)

I've been a little annoyed that I don't look any different and have not lost any weight, but there's been a long list of other noticeable changes that have made the whole thing very exciting.

First, there's just the getting stronger, better, faster, more coordinated and more flexible thing. I take mostly classes and I've seen so much improvement in what I can do and how well I can do it. I had no idea I had such weak legs and they were killing me at first. But they anted up and now little things in every day life (like running up a flight of stairs or picking something up off the floor) sometimes benefit from my stronger legs.

There were some immediate, unexpected results: an ache I'd been getting in my left leg for years has all but disappeared and I don't get ridiculously freezing cold at night anymore.

My resting heart rate has always run high and now it's in the average range for women.

A few little hills on my normal bike route now feel like flat roads. (Strong legs things again.)

Last night, Dirk and I took a walk through a neighborhood with a pretty decent hill and I kept up with Dirk, which I never did before. I was hardly winded either compared to how I used to get.

There were a couple trampoline moves that I could not do, but eventually I got them down. That's a coordination thing.

I love spinning and I've improved a bunch and it's the first really sweaty exercise that I've truly enjoyed and looked forward to.

My flexibility has improved significantly, seemingly by accident since I haven't been working on this.

The other night I pushed myself into a bridge pose without even thinking about it. I haven't been strong enough to do that in years.

When I have to run for a bus it doesn't end in me panting at the door.

I can do 25 girl pushups fairly easily now. Ten real pushups is killer though.

Learning to handle this kind of punching bag has been really fun. I can hit it pretty fast now and my upper back and shoulders don't get tired ASAP like they did before. I've also been working on a balance board, which is a fun toy.

So yeah, the gym has been a pretty awesome experience for me.

There are of course, the weird aspects of gym life. Here's an image:

Middle-aged woman in good shape, but still wrinkled and saggy, buck naked with her foot hiked up on a stool, facing the locker room entrance while she clips her toenails. Later she hikes her leg up on the counter to rub lotion on it. Other than that, bajingo shots are not so common.

So here's to old-lady bajingos and better health and having more fun being in my body!

In case you're wondering...

2008-02-26T08:18:00.002-05:00

I haven't felt run over by a truck since the morning I posted that.

Morning

2008-02-22T08:04:00.001-05:00

I am sick of feeling like a truck ran me over in the mornings. I don't really know why this happens. I really do sleep, more than most people even. Clearly, it's not enough though.

Jesus Crepe

2008-02-10T13:10:00.000-05:00

I'm psyched! I real live Minnesota Atheist commented on my blog! *AND* his blog led me to this post: Jesus Crepe, which I found quite funny.

News

2008-02-05T18:30:00.001-05:00

Dirk got his first MN college job offer today. This is big.

Essay: My Closet Religion

2008-02-04T14:03:00.000-05:00

I've been thinking about writing this blog for awhile, but putting it off due to a sense that it may not be appropriate for a larger, unknown audience or more honestly, that I am simply uncomfortable sharing with an audience I know will have varying opinions. But an old high school friend, Missy (her real name), asked me where I stood religion-wise via email yesterday, and I figured that in replying to her, I would end up writing my post. So why not just send her on an e-detour here?

A few weeks ago I met a former Mormon turned Humanist on the bus. I was reading an article about clergymen who lost their faith, and he started talking to me about it. I have a significant interest in Mormonism, and have read many books related to the topic, so Tom's story was right up my alley. I think that ex-Mormon stories appeal to me because I feel really comfortable thinking of Mormonism as a complete hoax. Since it's a pretty modern and weirdly complex religion, this seems more obvious to me. It is a safe place to practice disbelief. Tom's story particularly shocked me because it involved losing his wife, which I think was reasonable in this situation, but a high price to pay nonetheless. It really clarifies a major problem with religious beliefs - they are so intricately tied to our familial and societal lives, that changing those beliefs can literally translate into a very emotional and personal loss.

For me specifically, I was raised Catholic, and my mom has had a hard time with me not being very Catholic since I went to college. I went to a bible-thumping school that certainly wasn't Catholic, so at that time is was more like I switched denominations which was something of a slap in the face. As she put it, it was like saying "she raised me wrong." It's unfortunate, but many parents would likely feel that way too. After college I went off to Utah to live with Mormons (thus begins the interest there) and she was relieved that I did not convert to that religion. I was actually continuing a process I started the summer before my senior year of college; I was losing my religion.

Losing my religion was freeing. It seems that my religion was deeply tied to social constraints and the feeling that everybody was always watching to see when I would screw up. It wasn't entirely like that of course, but a great deal of mental effort went into determining "What does God want me to do?" and that is a a lot of pressure to place on oneself. This probably has a lot to do with how I was raised too, but religion exerts a definite influence here. It's easy to play the game of being a "Good Christian" and create a life that's completely defined by Christian culture. And the whole idea that only Christians are going to heaven, well that is about the worst idea I have ever heard, and I think only human beings who want to be "special" and "chosen" and "set apart" would ever think of that. If God really wants to punish those of us who got it wrong as a result of being born in the wrong place, or by simply using our own brains to work stuff out, then I think he is just evil. The scare tactics involved in convincing someone of "the truth," especially a child, strike me as plain mean. (I am borrowing ideas here, mainly from Richard Dawkins in The God Delusion and Sam Harris in Letter to a Christian Nation who first introduced the idea (to me) that religion could actually be bad for society. They were also the first to get me thinking that I might be an atheist, and that's okay. What I like about Humanism is that it's a less loaded title, though it essentially means, "We're atheists, but we're specifically saying that we care about promoting good in the world and helping society."

Dawkins and Harris spend a good amount of time addressing the fact that "atheist" is a dirty word in our society and that most people will chose "agnostic" to avoid the stigma. However, they point out that most of us are Zeus atheists, even though we can't prove that he doesn't exist, and nobody thinks this is bad. Most of us would not believe that a holy teapot is circling the universe either, though we can't prove it. The point is, atheism doesn't mean you can prove that God doesn't exist, it just means that you have no reason to believe that he exists. So I've been tossing around the "I might be an atheist" idea for about nine months now.

This turn of events occurred at an interesting time, because I'm getting married in June and I wanted to have a Catholic wedding. I wanted this because it's part of my family tradition and therefore was a big part of my life. No other church service feels like church in the way that the service I was raised with does. Dirk and I were able to be open with the priest performing the ceremony. We talked about our religious doubts and that we simply don't know where our beliefs will end up. (I will admit to not tossing out the big "A" word however.) So in spite of my theology, I still wanted the church wedding for traditional and sentimental reasons.

I did manage to upset my mother again by suggesting that we not have communion (an option given by the priest) since Dirk's family and many other guests (including my dad's side of the family) can't have communion anyway. Since this is a central, special part of the Catholic mass, my mom was upset. But I feel that it's exclusionary, and not a ritual that I can honestly take part in. If neither the bride nor the groom can technically receive communion, then it seems a bit odd to offer it. (I actually have always taken communion when I go to church with my parents, but this time I'll be center stage and the priest knows I'm a doubter who hasn't had her last confession recently. He seemed to indicate that this didn't matter to him, however. I can look at this from two perspectives: (1) What does it matter? I don't believe in this anyway, so it's just eating bread, or (2) If I take part in this I'm taking part in something I don't believe in, and that's dishonest.)

The dishonestly part is a really hard question for me. I know that my ideas offend at least one parent, and other people don't like them either. But I like to talk about the things I am thinking, and I don't consider myself very private or secretive. I feel like I'm living somewhat in the closet, and that's restrictive. The biography I linked to above is part of a humanist website, which led me to various podcasts. One I have been drawn to is the Minnesota Athiests podcast. (Funny coincidence that they are in MN.) They talk about all sorts of things: cults, Mormons, raising kids, sexuality, church history, etc. They also talk about being in the athiest closet, coming out of it, and why it's good to talk about and question beliefs. So while one part of me is seriously questioning whether it's wise to post this on the internet, another part of me just wants to talk openly.

One podcast I really enjoyed was about parenting from an athiest perspective. The guest was Dale McGowan, the editor of the book, Parenting Beyond Belief, and he talked about his once four-year-old daughter and how he didn't interfere as she constructed her religious ideas. Every week she would change and update them and he encouraged her to "keep thinking about it." I won't try to recapture it here, but it's worth a listen if you're of a constructivist bent when it comes to education. I love that her parents aren't telling her that some ideas are taboo and they're definitely not telling her what to think.

Another book I'm reading is called Misquoting Jesus (gift of Tsjaz and CHG at Christmas) and gets into the history of how the New Testament was copied, modified and eventually agreed upon. The more I learn about church/religious/human history, the more convinced I am that humans made all religions up.

Another topic that gets addressed some during the podcasts is of particular interest to me, as it's an argument one of my born-again friends has brought up: What about morality? How can you have ethics and a moral code without God? It puzzles me that people would even think this because it seems clear to me that I can care about other people, want to be nice and not want to murder or pillage while simultaneously not believing in God. Dirk pointed out that if this friend ever loses his faith, we better stay far away from him. Dawkins devotes a whole chapter to this subject in The God Delusion. The answer I like best is that we're social creatures, and our well being is highly dependent on our ability to function in society. If I can't learn to play in the sandbox, I'm going to live an isolated life and likely be unhappy as a result. It's in my best interest to develop and understand the moral code of my society.

Here are some other arguments in brief: Dawkins points out how morality changes over time. The moral code of the 1950's did not include recycling, but today recycling is becoming mainstream. One guest on a podcast read statistics about prison inmates. Turns out most of them are religious, a ridiculously small percent of inmates are atheists. There is also the fact that religion is regularly used to justify highly ammoral things like abusing women and starting wars. (It's easiest for me to think of fitting Muslim examples since I'm an American.)

It's still hard for me to let go of the idea of God, as it's completely saturated my life ever since I can remember. But I'm pretty convinced he doesn't exist. I'm not ready to step all the way out of the closet yet, but the door is definitely open.

My Life - January 2008

2008-01-22T07:45:00.000-05:00

So, since I returned from the holiday trip, my life has been about:

1) The Gym - I really like it there and am managing about 5 trips a week. I'm taking classes in spinning, yoga, body conditioning and now boxing. Yesterday was my sixth spin class and I was finally able to follow all directions instead of modifying the many demands to turn up the resistance again and again and again! So I'm pretty pleased with that. The boxing teacher is a very bizarre little militant, aging likely-dyke. She's seriously hard core, but hilarious at the same time because she's so tiny. I had trouble not giggling as she led us through our warm-up sequence. I also thought she might like me special because she took the time to show me her bare stomach twice. In her defense, she does have admirable abs. If I ever have such flat abs, maybe I will take to doing the same thing.

2) Crosswords - Dirk got me started on the flight to MN and one thing led to another and now I am way deep into easy-level crosswords. Medium is looming large on the horizon. I never thought I'd like these puzzles, but I can't seem to stop now.

3) Wedding Stuff - The main focus here has been invitation design (We are going with the bookmark invitation at Twisted Limb Paper which is all eco-friendly and stuff.) and selection of engagement photos. I also collected addresses for invitations and worked on readings for the ceremony.

4) School is back in session. Week #3 of 15 starts today. So far, so good. There hasn't been time yet for students' efforts to be disappointing. There has however been time for a few characters to act up in class. The most notable was this exchange with a young man:

YM: "When's the break?"
Me: "In about seven minutes."
YM: "OK........ Can I go take a piss?"
Me: "Ummmmmmmmm, can't you wait seven minutes?"
YM: "Well, you see it's cold in here and I really gotta piss."

Mind you, I teach college students and this exchange took place in front of the entire class. That was our first meeting. For the second class he simply showed up, responded when I called his name (for a 9 am class) and then announced that he had to leave and could I please mark him absent. Then he left.

I have no idea why I devoted so much blog time to him.

5) I purchased the entire series of Friends awhile back. My roommate has watched the entire thing at this point, I have worked my way through half of season two. I can never get enough of Friends, but I don't have the obsessive watching abilities that my roommate and Dirk have. Dirk thinks I watch series at "glacier speed." I also find that I can watch post-Sorkin West Wing (aka season five) without pain. This is something that Dirk and the roomie cannot do. Dirk and I watched most of Scrubs, season five over the weekend. We watched at Dirk pace.

6) Did I mention that my sister is prego with child number two? Sounds like pregnancy is not that much fun for her, but I am excited. My nephew is busy doing all the new and amazing and cute things he always does. I can't wait to find out the sex of baby number two.

TV & Movies

2008-01-05T20:17:00.000-05:00

I finished season two of Big Love. Dirk gave up halfway through, but I persevered. I'm really glad it's over though; those people are terrible! I can't stand it any more, yet I really want to know what happens to them.

Dirk, my roommate (Abby), her friend (Elizabeth), and I all saw Atonement this week. I loved it. Elizabeth liked it too. Dirk and my roommate were not impressed with it. Their analysis of it was rather offensive to me, as I felt very invested in the movie for at least two hours afterwards and took the attacks somewhat personally.

I saw the first two episodes of season five of The West Wing and could not tell the difference (honestly) between writers. Abby and Dirk did their best to explain why the show was officially awful now that Sorkin was not writing it, but I can't really get behind what they're saying. I'm still gonna watch.

Women's Gym

2008-01-05T20:11:00.000-05:00

So yes, you might have noted from the last post that I joined a gym, a women's gym no less! This is what is immediately different about this women's gym:

Everybody wipes off every machine all the time. (It seems overdone, really.)
The women get in line while waiting for a class - a really long, single file line.
Everyone is early for class because, well, you have to get in line and the further back you are, the worse spot you will get!
Many classes are ticketed, so they never run out of space or equipment.
You only wear indoor shoes as a rule.
You sign up for time on any aerobic machine. There is a clipboard for each one.
Your exercise program is self-filed and everything is in perfect alphabetical order.

It's the cleanest, most organized gym I've ever seen.

Just Sharing...

2008-01-05T20:10:00.001-05:00

At the gym yesterday, this girl had that hard plastic kind of water bottle that comes in various colors - and hers was yellow. It looked like a giant glass of morning pee. Yum!

Slick

2007-12-10T11:44:00.000-05:00

Pretty interesting world outside today. There's a lot of wet pavement with random iced-over spots. I managed to fall once on my walk to the bus stop and slip slide at other times. Here at school, the stair rail is also covered with a nice sheet of ice. It looks pretty neat over the brick parts of the sidewalk.

Winter

2007-12-04T08:31:00.000-05:00

We had our first snow on Sunday night and a little bit more fell yesterday (with rain in between.) So this is a Boston winter - lots of slush with a lot of green still showing. I am psyched to read that Minnesota is a winter wonderland and looking forward to seeing it myself!

I have to stop my blog-play and go to work.

I had a dream that thousands of seals were mating all over the place outside this old rundown mansion near a body of water. There was a video explaining how seals mate and not to worry, it was not painful for the females even though it looked it.

Education at it's Best

2007-12-03T20:44:00.000-05:00

I don't know if that title will be at all relevant to my post. It's just what popped into my head.

There are only two more weeks left of school! YEEE-AY!

This is what's happening:

First, my second, temporary job that was sucking up a lot of time and lasting much longer than it should've was finally taken off my plate on Friday. Also, all that extra time paid off nicely and more than made up for the fact that I'm not teaching an adjunct class next semester. Nice.

Second, I went to the class I'm taking tonight and my teacher (who's been modeling bad bailing behavior) announced that she did not want to collect our homework because "she's knows we're doing it" and if we're not it will show up on our (take-home) final in the form of poor performance. HA! If that isn't the biggest lie I ever heard. The fact is, almost nobody will do their homework now because we will all be working on the test problems instead. Not to mention that her test problems are relatively easy, there are just a lot of them. And we have two weeks to get them done.

This causes a small dilemma for me because I took the class to learn something and to give me a hall monitor, so to speak. Having assignments to turn in kept me on schedule. Maybe now I'll slack off since I don't have anyone to look after me. I certainly could use the time to catch up on my own teaching, which brings me to my...

Third point: Being so busy this semester caused me to practice bad teacher bailing behaviors too, and it only makes it worse that my 70-year old teacher is doing the same damn thing!

My physics class didn't even get to the last two chapters because they were so damn unmotivated and I couldn't bother to deal with it in any other way than just slowing down the class.

I don't think I prepped for a single lecture this semester. (Oh, not entirely true, I did do some half-assed prepping for a few of my Calc II classes, only because I haven't taught them that much. But I still relied heavily on my ability to wing it.)

My Calculus class is out of control. Getting better. But seriously, they exhausted me every single Thursday this semester. Throw in a few behavior problems and a general anger that Calculus exists and students were forced to take it, and some crazy energy thing goes on. Oddly enough, probably about one third of the class was actually very serious about the subject. I really need to remember to focus on the positive more.

My Calc II classes consist of small numbers of highly motivated math students. One class has 3 students, the other 8. Even they managed to fall behind. They struggled with the material because even though they are the best both of my colleges have to offer, let's face it - neither college prepared them very well for this course. And again, I was overworked and willing to let things slide a little to save myself the extra efforts.

So I give myself a C for my teaching this semester (because thanks to my transfer credit job, I know that grade will still transfer to another college), and an A for juggling all the balls this semester and still managing to maintain a work-life balance.

Guess Who?

2007-11-23T20:54:00.000-05:00

New pictures are on Flickr.

Schooling

2007-11-19T09:02:00.001-05:00

I have to go to class now. My belief in our system of education has been waning a lot lately. I never understood why people hated school and until I started teaching all those people who hate school. They make me hate it too!

Composting Mentor

2007-11-19T08:57:00.000-05:00

I just may have a Composting Mentor (CM), which is great because someone else made me their CM awhile back, so I have a title to live up to! This guy composts everything - as in paper plates, napkins, etc. He told me that it's important to compost food-soiled paper products because they put carbon into the mix, and food sources mostly add nitrogen. You need a nitrogen/carbon balance. He also has composting worms that seriously cut the turn around time.

He also has a giant composting space, which makes it easier to compost everything.

He told me that he and his roommate only generated a grocery-sized plastic bag of trash a month because they were able to recycle and compost so much. Impressive.

Latte Days

2007-11-19T08:52:00.001-05:00

I'm just ending another latte phase - this time it was lattes with milk. As usual, the milk eventually stopped tasting good. Today I stopped by Starbucks and got the soy latte instead and was surprised at how much I liked it. (Perhaps it helped to have just had a conversation with friends about how milk has been associated with cancer.)

I've also been trying to only get coffee when I can stay and drink it in a mug instead of getting yet another paper cup (which I do recycle, but that's still not as good as just washing a cup.)

Ideal Bite seems to have been thinking of me today:

The Bite
Cut the junk by cutting your disposable cup habit. Instead of a foam or paper cup, sip your daily dose out of your own travel mug if you are on the go, or ask the café for a "to stay" mug if you have a few minutes to hang.

The Benefits

Cutting waste. If you purchase one cup of coffee every day in a disposable container, you create about 23 lb of waste each year.
Fewer noxious chems. Polystyrene (aka Styrofoam) can actually disrupt your hormones, and the chlorine used to bleach paper cups creates carcinogenic dioxins during production.
Saving cash. Many coffeehouses offer a small discount to customers who bring in their own reusable containers.

I am like Dirk

2007-11-17T22:32:00.000-05:00

I finished the homework assignment that is due AFTER Thanksgiving so I can enjoy my holiday. I am like Dirk. I am awesome.

Milky Way Ads

2007-11-16T15:54:00.000-05:00

Milky Way has several billboards posted around town and one touts that Milky Way is "a natural source of caramel." I am curious if people think this is a serious attempt to get me thinking there's something healthy about Milky Way bars or if it's a joke about being health conscious that's supposed to encourage me to live a little and have a candy bar.

All Me, All Night Long

2007-11-16T15:48:00.002-05:00

I was officially in for the night at 3:30 pm. I already put on my pajamas, glasses and slippers and I plan to do whatever I feel like tonight. There may be some watching of The Wire (of which I have now seen 45 minutes), some math doing, some eating of rosemary and potatoes if I get motivated, or some reading of O Magazine. Or maybe none of the above. It all depends on my whims.

Dirk is in Oregon giving a colloqium talk today at Oregon State University. I was supposed to go to a local conference this afternoon and tomorrow, but I decided I didn't want to. Luckily, I decided this after cancelling my two afternoon physics labs. So I taught my Calculus II class this morning (we started sequences and series) and then headed home for lunch and the 45 minutes of The Wire. Then I headed out in the car to pick up groceries.

Incidentally, I've had occasion to drive a ZipCar three times in the past two weeks, and I really like driving. I hardly ever drive anywhere anymore, so it's extra fun.