Communication 101

This post is in response to Tsjaz's post from October 19, which I have reproduced here:


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Social drinking
I have more fun at social gatherings when I drink. I'm pretty introverted in the Myers-Briggs sense that although I can be social in a large group, when the group is mostly strangers it saps my energy. However, at a certain point of intoxication, a switch flips and I want to associate with others and make grandiose plans for future social interactions. This is why the DTH police roundup said that I was trying to get "to Franklin Street." I wanted to go somewhere where I could take advantage of my temporary extrovertedness.

I don't think I was always this introverted. I have some memories of being a little crazy up until about age 6 or 7. But I think was taught in many ways that being quiet was good. Being quiet to a fault. Because being quiet is sometimes uncomfortable, and being uncomfortable around others makes it more difficult to get what you want. And extroverts have more fun.

Why is being quiet uncomfortable? Mostly because of social norms, I guess. With some people it's not uncomfortable to just not talk. I think I'm really bad at small talk, which makes things more difficult. I can never think of something smart to say when someone makes a small talk comment to me about something I don't care about at all.

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This is a topic I seem to care about a lot - at least I certainly devote a lot of time to thinking about it and Dirk has heard me talk/complain about it a lot. Essentially, I have a hard time interacting with people who talk too little or talk too much. I think there are more people in the "talk too much" category and for the life of me, I can't understand why they don't realize that they are incredibly rude and self-centered. Of course, that's just my opinion. But I don't appreciate it when someone thinks that it's okay to ask me to devote my time and energy exclusively to whatever it is that they want to say. I hate being controlled in that way. The only way I have found around this (when I am stuck say, at a dinner table with them) is to exert my own form of control - which is to ask questions. I figure then I can at least get them to sometimes talk about something that interests me. The downside of asking a super-talker questions is that it only encourages them to talk more. But if I've given up on them, then I at least try to get material I care about.

Tsjaz and many others will tell you that I'm a questioner anyway, and this is true. I will also try to use this technique with silent types, like Tsjaz and CHG, because I have a hard time with the silence. I automatically translate silence into "this person does not like me and wishes I would go away." This is likely because my mom uses the "silent treatment" very effectively. To me, silence equates anger, disapproval and a message that I had better try HARD to get back into this person's good graces. To continue using my family-in-law as an example here, this (to me) is a typical dinner out with all of us: Parents, grandparents and myself make random small talk, often repeating ourselves, in an effort to create a sense of comfort. (Or such is my perception.) Dirk, Tsjaz and CHG are mostly silent. Dirk is completely comfortable with this, and I am mostly uncomfortable with this. I really can't tell how comfortable everybody else is. Tsjaz's blog indicates that he may actually find this experience uncomfortable like I do.

Another point regarding conversation: I get the impression that said Parents like to keep it simple. My family, on the other hand, likes to dig into something and really chew on it when the mood strikes. We'll dissect the movie we saw, talk about our personalities, whatever. We'll also sometimes push each other's buttons and create conflict. These things (both positive and negative) do not happen with my in-laws. In both families, some topics of conversation are simply off-limits, which goes back to the supposed lesson (mentioned by Tsjaz) that sometimes it's best to just keep your mouth shut. I can't tell you how many times my mother has advised me to do just that! But blogs are not a place to keep your mouth shut...

So back to Tsjaz's post again - he mentioned that he may have been taught that it is good to be quiet, and Dirk agreed that this may be true. My parents and their parents are actually quite similar in that they are likely all introverts. My parents are self-described introverts at any rate, and they will not volunteer much information about themselves. They will mostly respond to you, unless you ASK them to talk about themselves or if you are an immediate family member. My sister is more extroverted and happy to volunteer information/conversation. I test right in the middle of introverted and extroverted and suspect that I use my questions as a way to promote conversation without having to contribute much to it myself. As much as I think that people should demonstrate interest in me by asking about me, I can also resent being questioned because sometimes I am tongue-tied. This makes me think that others might resent my (question-oriented) approach as well. (And of course, I can be very flattered that someone is making the effort to ask what I think; to get to know me. I do consider that a large component of what communication should be about, a volley of taking turns between two people.)

Then there's a whole other piece - which is how much common interests matter. Getting pregnant created a brand new, overarching interest in my life and while my "never plan on being pregnant" girlfriends are doing a good job at keeping up with me, I know that we both will have to make more concessions moving forward. I'll have to shut up about babies, and they'll have to put up with mine. I still want those friendships, but am also drawn to befriending women who actually want to get pregnant and have babies (or already did). I continue to learn that I don't have much sympathy/empathy (whichever one requires you to relate to another's emotions when you have not experienced the said emotion/event yourself) for life events that haven't come my way. For example, until I got a cat, I had little interest in the pet-obsessed conversation. Now I could talk about cats all day. And I can even relate my feelings about cats to your feeling about your non-feline pet. So I might find someone's conversation to be dull and invasive, but in large part it's because I don't care about the content.

Thus, the problem is twofold: there's communication style to consider and then there's content. There are a couple of solutions that may work here.

With a talker: Some talkers can't stop. They are addicted to talking and there's nothing that will change them. Some level of acceptance is required, and some level of avoidance. "Avoid as much as possible, accept when you are stuck." Other talkers (like my new mom-friend, Patty) can be addressed directly. I told Patty that I couldn't feel good about her talking over me, that I needed her to listen to me, but that I understood that it was hard for her and she didn't mean to disregard me. (But that I FELT disregarded by her behavior.) She really took that in and started working with it right away. I don't expect her to completely change, but she's trying. In return, I agreed to be more assertive when I had something to say.

With a non-talker: Focusing on content seems to help. If you can find a topic they like to dish about, then you've got a shot. But if you don't like the topic, then you're suddenly stuck with a talker that only takes limited direction via questions. Directly talking about it strikes me as harder, since you've already got an indication that they don't like to open up, period. Maybe copying someone's blog post and writing your own blog post about it will make a difference.

PS: There's this whole other thing I wanted to mention, which I think is just about the chemistry people do or don't have together. This past weekend Dirk and I played a game with our new friends, The Stonestreets. It's a game we've both played before, and found to be okay, but not great. But every time we play games with this couple (and a third couple that couldn't make it), everybody seems to have a really good time and the game seems fantastic. What's that about?