Bed Sharing

Before Blueberry was born, Dirk and I had a fundamental disagreement about where our baby was going to sleep. Dirk wanted him to sleep in a bassinet in our room, and I wanted him to sleep in his crib in his own room. Mostly I felt this way because both my mom and sister had tried to sleep with a baby next to them and concluded that babies are just too noisy and both moms needed some distance if they were going to get any sleep. Since I'm the lightest sleeper of the three of us, they thought is was pretty comical that I would even consider sleeping near our baby. I also was concerned about protecting him from Olivia, our cat. Eventually I did agree that I could at least give it a try and see how things went.

We started with BB in a bassinet near my side of the bed. Olivia was still allowed in the bedroom and we had a baby gate laid over the top of the bassinet, like a little jail. This wasn't perfect because Olivia could still jump on top of it, and we had to take some measures to prevent her from tipping it off. It worked okay, but sometimes she caused it to slide, and really it was an accident waiting to happen. Also, BB would fall asleep easily while nursing or being walked and walked around the house, but as soon as he felt himself being lowered into the bassinet, he would wake up! This was proving to be a real problem for us tired new parents, so when BB was about a month old, we decided to move him into our bed.

We purchased a side rail for the bed and a contoured changing pad. We put the pad into the bed, next to the rail so that there was no way I could roll over him. (I was worried about that being new to this.) The big plus of this was that I no longer had to be in and out of the bed, and could just sit up, nurse him and place him back down. The falling sensation was minimized a lot because I was mostly just moving him over, not down. I could also respond more quickly and peek at him without really moving much. The downside was that I was now trapped in the bed between baby and husband, or so it often felt. Sometimes it was harder to settle BB, so I would let him sleep in the crook of my arm. I would usually wake up a few hours later just dying to get him off me. You really do not move when you have a weight like that anchoring you in place. Since he'd be very settled by then, I could easily put him back into his space.

At some point (maybe two months?) he started to feel more solid and less fragile, and the changing pad made crinkly noises when he moved, so I got rid of the changing pad and gave him his own zone in the bed. We had a pillow top on our mattress, which he of course could not sleep on, so I slid that over (because I wasn't willing to give up my soft bed yet), and he slept on a slightly lower level than we did. He would always inch himself over next to me and rest his head on the edge of that pillow top. And yes, I worried about him suffocating on it, even though his face was quite a bit higher than the soft edge and he had great neck control and it made a nice pillow. Eventually I got over that fear.

I later changed things again by eliminating the pillow top and putting us all on the same level. One problem with this was that the line between BB and me was no longer so clear. I worried about my blankets getting into his space (a big no-no), and I still do worry about this some. I use a rolled up baby towel, wrapped with a soft lovey as a barrier. I place it next to him, so it's like the edge of the pillow top again. This arrangement works best for nursing lying down, which is what I mostly do now. If I want to change sides, he does get picked up and then placed upsidedown in the bed. This only happens for the last few hours of the morning, if at all. I am careful to keep to myself even more then since I don't want to kick him in the head! I recently surrounded him with a c-shaped body pillow that I used while I was pregnant. I did this because every time he came unswaddled, his little hands would scratch at the side railing and wake me up. This week I learned that if I double-swaddle him, he can't get free, so I might take that pillow back for myself, as it also creates a more clear barrier between him and me.

A recent improvement that I like a lot is that he is becoming more immune to the sounds of our movements, and it's pretty easy for me to "escape" the bed if I want to. This is working really well for naps. I nurse him down and then roll away (or stay and try to nap too). As he gets more mobile, we'll have to make more accommodations, and I am busy thinking about what those will be.

On the plus side, it turns out that I really like sleeping so close to Blueberry. He is not that noisy. Either he is super quiet, or he is breathing steadily. I like knowing that he's okay. Yes, he can be noisy when settling down, and he used to get very active (while still sleeping) in the early mornings, though not so much anymore. It definitely nice not to have to be up and down all night, and once he quiets down I usually start sleeping too.

The downside has had to do more with the space left for Dirk and myself. We have a king-size bed, so it's not like we don't have space. But sometimes I really do feel trapped between them and my thoughts can keep me lying awake at night. I was never a great sleeper anyway, so this is not a big surprise. However, some nights I sleep great. I also don't like not having easy access to a nightstand. Sometimes Dirk sleeps downstairs so we both get more rest. I do like having all the space, but eventually start to miss him. Plus it's supposed to be a FAMILY bed, and not come between mom and dad spending time together. (Though a common question about bed-sharing is "How do you have sex?!" And the common answer is - "Do it somewhere else, or at a different time of day." However, we are so tired now, and Dirk takes a later shift, and I take the morning shift for taking care of BB when he is awake, so it's unlikely we'd need time alone during nighttime hours anyway.

Finally, there's the question of when our child (and future planned child) will leave our bed. Many parents just wait until their kids decide to leave the bed. Dirk and I think we are open to doing it this way. Yes, the occasional person does tell me a story about a five-year old who is still sleeping with them, but I guess we're thinking we can handle that. Obviously, we won't really know until it is happening to us. So I'll report back then.

Ideal Schedule

Note to reader: This entry will probably bore you a lot. You may want to skip it. It's for me, not you.

I'm trying to work out a flexible sleeping schedule by following Blueberry's lead. So far it looks like this:

6:30 am - I would get up here. By this time of day I am awake anyway because he is noisy for an hour or so before actually waking. I could take care of a few me-things like showering and if I was lucky I would even eat. Probably can't do it all in 30 minutes anyway.
7 am - He wakes up pretty consistently around this time. We nurse, I change his diaper and most likely his entire outfit.

7:30 - 9:00 am - Blueberry is awake and accompanying me as I finish my stuff - either breakfast or a shower.

9:00 am - nap #1 (Supposedly a nap does not count if it's less than an hour. I'm thinking two hours here would work out all right. Yesterday and today's it's gone later because he didn't fall asleep on time. He obviously doesn't know the schedule as well as I do.) This nap tends to happen on me (after nursing) and then in the swing, or can sometimes just start in the swing.

11:00-2:00 - Awake - This makes lunch hour tougher I suppose.

2:00-3:00 Nap again (Problem with this, is that sometimes he goes 3-hrs and I can't complain about that, nor would I wake him up. According to "the books," after three hours I should wake him so he doesn't think it's night time. However, he has never seemed to have his days and nights mixed up.) I would like this nap to occur on a soft surface like a bed or couch.

Or - I don't mind watching Oprah at 4:00, so I can nurse him to just let him sleep on me then. But that's only an hour...

3:00-5:00 Awake

5:00-7:00 Nap #3 - This isn't so great because now we're getting into bedtime territory. I'm confused at how infants are supposed to fit in three naps! Maybe he could just sleep for one hour?

5:00-6:00 Nap #3 And we eat somewhere in this window, probably a little later. How about...

5:30-6:30 Nap #3

And then we're into the bedtime stretch. Supposedly going down early is best for a good solid night sleep. Our baby hasn't been going to be early. Ideally, he would sleep from...

8:00 pm - 7:00 am Nighttime sleep. That's eleven hours, which is actually reasonable to expect!

I'd be cool with one nighttime feeding, say around 2 or 3 am. Lately he feeds for about 15 minutes before he returns to bed. I could live with that quite easily. Especially if he would sleep quietly the rest of the time.

I'll let you know if this schedule ever happens. It's actually not that far off from what is really happening. He tends though to have days where he doesn't nap at all (since cat naps don't count), followed by days with lots of napping. His lots-of-napping days are probably just days where he's taking three naps and that just seems like a lot to me because I'm not used to it yet. Clearly, I don't understand his afternoon and evening naps yet. A clear pattern is only happening in the morning, and his bedtime is slowly emerging.

Another goal is to get him to nap in his crib. That way I can get more done, know he is safe and not have to be as quiet. However, if he falls asleep while noise is being made (dish washing, TV watching, phone talking, parents talking), then he's good to go.

From Thich Nhat Hanh

(He said this to Oprah in this month's magazine interview.)

I know that we do not know enough. We have to continue to learn. We have to be open. And we have to be ready to release our knowledge in order to come to a higher understanding of reality. When you climb a ladder and arrive on the sixth step and you think that is the highest, then you cannot come to the seventh. So the technique is to abandon the sixth in order for the seventh step to be possible. And this is our practice, to release our views. The practice of nonattachment to views is at the heart of the Buddhist practice of meditation. People suffer because they are caught in their views. As soon as we release those views, we are free and we don't suffer anymore.

Nine Weeks In

Blueberry is actually nine weeks today; I just never published that seven-week post, thinking it needed more work. Now it's just out of date. I am typing with one hand while BB nurses. I can eat like this too.

Sleep Update
We are continuing to have lots of luck here. For the last four nights BB has slept nine hours with either zero or one waking. The one feed lasts 15 minutes and he goes right back down. Swaddling is still an important part of this game, but perhaps not critical. I am awake more because he gets noisy at points and he sleeps right next to me. Also, I am still programmed to feed him more often, and have had to get up and pump the untouched side. Our kitty, Olivia, also wakes me with her random play under and around our bed, or call for affection on top of the bed. So I'm not well rested, but am okay and have hope for a better night life. Dirk can sleep through both Olivia and Blueberry's noises. That's a pretty typical difference between moms and dads.

Naps are coming around too. While it's hit or miss, sometimes we get a long multi-hour nap. Every day there is an indication of his readiness to sleep at pretty consistent times. He awakes around seven, and is sleepy by nine. Early afternoon and evening bring yawns as well. The tricky part is actually getting him down. The swing works - but those naps are never three hours long. Stomach sleeping brings on the longest naps, but then I'm constantly peeking at him. He also ends up sleeping in lots of random "unsafe" spots, like the couch, our bed, etc.; so I have to keep a close eye on him anyway. It's not uncommon for Dirk or myself to just sit nearby for his entire nap. I'd love to get him to sleep in the safety of his own crib, but this has been slow going. Maybe he'll give me ten minutes there before he wakes up. If I would stay with him for a good hour, he would also sleep longer. Even though I'm really tired too, I rarely do this. In part, this is because when I do, I get tired of the position I'm in or want to get things done. If I try to sleep too, I have to change positions and he often wakes up as soon as I get really comfortable. Sleeping with him is more successful at night. I'll wake up an hour or so later and then it's easy to move him to his spot. (He is sleeping on a changing pad on our bed with a railing on one side and me on the other. It's working for now. It's a safe spot for him as long as he can't move around. This won't last for too much longer, but it's nice for now. It keeps him safe from falling and he isn't going to get under the covers either. I love having him so close to me, but when he gets into a noisy phase (which can go on for an hour before he wakes up), it's really hard for me. I'm getting better at ignoring him, but I still wake up. I just try not to sit up and check if he's awake all the time, because he's almost always not awake. For this reason, I would like to have him in his crib in his room. But I'd rather wait until his sleep schedule is more reliable - I like not having to get out of bed right now. Once he starts moving around, I'm not sure how willing I am to make our family bed super safe - so maybe he'll be in the crib after that. Dirk is pretty committed to the family bed though, and I like it too. Maybe we'll go all out and lose the covers and pillowtop, put the mattress on the floor, etc. I'm pretty sure though that all those changes will mean worse sleep for me and as much as I'd like to be completely unselfish for my baby - I do need sleep or I won't mother him well at any time of day.

As I type this, Olivia - the champion sleeper in our family - is conked out nearby on the couch. Blueberry is on my other side, in and out of sleep. I would love to lay down and sleep too, but am afraid to try.

----30 minutes later----

I laid down with Blueberry and was able to get a little rest. The phone just rang, so I'm awake again, but feel better. May lay down again now...

Seven Weeks In

Blueberry (BB) was seven weeks old yesterday. Here's a quick synopsis of where things are at so I can remember them later.


Parenting Style
I think I mentioned this before, but I really had no clue about the existence of parenting style before BB was born. Yes, I knew that everyone is shocked by someone else's parenting methods, but never knew there were so many books documenting specific schools of thought. Now that I'm making friends with moms I'm learning a lot about them. We're on the "attachment parenting" end of the spectrum. It so happens that the moms I am meeting are also at that end of the spectrum, so I keep picking up new ideas from them. This is how we ended up with a family bed. More on that later.

I also learned about wrapping our baby from my new friend Megan. Wrapping is kind of fun and a nice way to keep BB close. We originally were carrying that kid around all the time, but have since come to see the usefulness in putting him down once in awhile. (To be fair, it wasn't that hard to do this at the beginning because grandparents were around 24-7 and they had a very high desire to hold BB as much as possible.) About a month in, I got a push from my neighbor mom that is was OK to put him down and I guess I needed permission to do that. We use our swing a lot because he stays calmest there for the longest period of time. We can often get a nap out of him when he's in the swing - this seems most likely to happen in the morning. It's also a way to allow us to eat dinner together instead of in shifts. We continue to take turns eating a lot though. We also take turns holding and interacting with him so that the other can get things done.

The wrap is nice because it usually puts BB to sleep and he'll sleep through conversations with company or whatever activities we're doing. It's a nice way to take him for walks. He likes the movement and then we can get outside on a nice day. It would be an ideal way to take him to the mall or someplace like that, though so far we haven't had any place to go where it would make sense. Maybe in the summer - of course he'll be heavier then and it will be hot out. I'm working on learning to wrap him on my back by myself. It's hard to do, but so much easier on my back. Plus I can do a lot more without a big round bulge on my front. (Also, you don't have to worry about dropping crumbs on him while you eat!) He has great head control, so the backpack carry is safe - it just requires another set of hands at this point in time. He always fusses when we wrap him, then settles down as soon as we start moving.

Nursing
Initially, my entire focus was on nursing, so it came as a surprise when I had to think about sleeping! Nursing is pretty much what I expected - I can definitely do it, the milk is there, I worry about everything they say you will and it's a waste of time to worry about those things. (Like "Is there enough milk?") It's tough to get going and the learning curve is high for both mom and baby. But it gets better with practice and the older he gets the more helpful he is. It's tough on my muscles because I'm holding odd positions for long periods of time. The longer we work at it, the more I find ways to relax during the process, but unfortunately some positions just get the job done better. For example, both of my wrists and lower arms ache with carpal tunnel-like pains from supporting his head. I do often just put his head on the boppy or other pillow, but if he's latching on and off I just have to use my arm sometimes. It holds him steady better and my arms are just the perfect angle we need. My middle and upper back also take a beating from bending forward. The alternative is to lift BB higher up - which can again affect my arms. The bigger he gets though, the less I have to lift him up. (Though the heavier he is to lift!) I'm trying to protect my back when lifting him (using my legs), but still feel lower back pains as well.

I read a lot about how nursing is a special time between mom and baby when they gaze lovingly at each other. I'm not exactly experiencing that on a regular basis - though he does make eye contact with me now, so sometimes he holds my gaze. Sometimes he is sleepy and keeps his eyes closed. He loves to nurse himself to sleep and if I would just sit still he could have a wonderful nap right on Mommy. I often try to slip him over to sleep by himself though, and sometimes I get lucky and it works. If I'm in a hurry with him, he's bound to wake up and want to be nursed to sleep again. There are also times (mostly at night) when he gets really intense and out of control. His legs and arms flail and he makes desperate noises as he attacks the breast. We usually have to take breaks then. I'm not sure why this happens. It's usually after he's eaten after awhile, so he shouldn't be desperately hungry. I think maybe he's tired and just loses control of himself. Supposedly he does not yet know that those flailing arms and legs are his anyway, since he can't consciously control them.

The one thing I did not expect was how much time nursing would take! He eats anywhere from every hour to every two and a half hours. A feeding takes 30-45 min. So by the time a feeding ends, there is very little time left until the next feeding and it flies by. If your nipples are killing you, that isn't much time to recover in.

Sleep
Getting BB to sleep can be challenging, though from what I hear and read, he's actually pretty easy. He usually wakes up once or twice a night, which I'm learning is no big deal. As long as I can get a four-hour window of sleep, I'm pretty good. He usually gives me one of those, along with several 1.5-2 hr windows. Dirk stays up late with him so I can sleep alone. That helps a lot when BB complies with our plans. I've also been pumping a bottle of 1.5-2 oz of milk for him so that when Dirk does bring him to me, he's not going to nurse as long. (Or so that he can last longer before he needs me again.) He doesn't fill up on that amount, but so far that's what he's willing to drink from a bottle. I think he's taken up to 4 oz here and there.

Napping is more challenging. I'm trying to get him on a semi-scheduled day where he naps in the morning, early afternoon and early evening. I don't think we've ever gotten all three of those naps to take place in one day. Some days he doesn't nap seriously at all, but cat naps instead. Other days he's very tired and sleep a whole bunch. Those are my vacation days.
Development

My Body
I'm just starting to exercise again and I've got many aches and pains from handling a ten-pound weight (or higher?) every day. Mostly my back muscles and my wrists are feeling the burden. My abs are weak and when I arch my back, I feel how sore they are. But it's sooooooo much better than being pregnant! Towards the end, my sister used to tell me that I'd get my body back soon. She said that even though it felt like I would be pregnant forever - that this was the new me - it wasn't true. I would make a comeback. It was hard to believe her. Today, for the first time since maybe last summer, I jumped on my spin bike for a workout just because I felt like it! I honestly never thought I'd feel like exercising again, but a new day is dawning. It's also amazing how easy it is to jump up from the couch, bend down to peer under the couch and run around the house doing things. It's total bliss not being pregnant if you can remember not to take it for granted. (I am quickly forgetting what it was like.) Also, all those aches and pains I had while pregnant - in particular lots of crotch muscle pain were gone IMMEDIATELY after giving birth. That was unbelievable.

Labor is Way Over

So I finally got the baby ticker/timeline down, six and a half weeks after the fact. Blueberry will be seven weeks old this coming Monday (or four days from now). I used to wonder if it was hard for moms to remember what week their baby was, but so far it's really easy to be obsessively aware of such things. Of course, counting to seven is also really easy... but by the time it gets hard we switch to months. "My baby is twenty months old." Of course, that still doesn't mean a lot to me and I automatically translate it into years. Only "one week" through "seven weeks" truly mean anything to me so far. It's really stunning how much changes in just a few weeks, or even a few days. I wasn't prepared for that, even though I suppose I'd heard of that before. It's startling to watch it happen before your eyes. I didn't read up on babies before Blueberry was born because I just wasn't interested in anything but pregnancy. I knew the interest would arrive with the baby, which is exactly what happened. It's weird to read that baby will smile at you at six weeks, and then HE DOES! (And yes, I know every baby is an individual and will not do everything according to a timeline.)

Speaking of time, it is flying by. People have asked if I am lonely being home, but the answer is definitely no. In fact, I probably have too many visitors and plan too many social outings. I'm finding that I spend more time with my mom friends now - and have cultivated new mom friends. I was worried about my non-mom friends leaving me behind, but here I am gravitating towards the moms. It's nice getting their advice, seeing what they do and knowing they are not annoyed about talking about babies. The most fun thing I've been doing is learning to wrap Blueberry. I have a new friend who is my advisor in all things wrapping. She's super helpful. Making mom friends is also teaching me that there are lots of parenting opinions and that most people want to be friends with people who parent like they do. There's a spectrum from extreme Attachment Parenting to those who don't pick up their babies much and serve Cheetos for snacks. (Or so I am told.)

Labor Begins

We've been in "Early Labor" since around midnight last night, Dec 20. I got up a couple of times because my lower back hurt, and I thought it was an insistent poop. But nothing was going on. At 2 am, I got up resolving to take care of this problem once and for all and noticed a bit of blood in the toilet. I haven't seen blood since last March and it was like an old friend, dropping in to say hello. Yay period blood! (Or in this case, Yay Bloody Show!) This meant our baby would likely come in the next few days! My thoughts went "thankyouthankyouthankyouthankyou..."

Then the period-like cramps started as soon as I got into bed. They ran every ten minutes or so (or every six to twelve minutes to be really specific) all night long. Some hurt more than others and after a couple hours I discovered that rotating and rocking my pelvis helped with the pain. The pain is in my lower back. But the top of my uterus is what contracts. I don't feel that though, other than I can tell it's tight - and if you touch it you can tell too. I did wake Dirk up to let him know they started and told him to keep sleeping, which he did. There was nothing anyone could do for me anyway. I couldn't sleep for a few hours because I was just too excited. I got up several times and looked at the snow and lights outside. By 4:15 am, I started drifting to sleep in between contractions. I had little dreams and awoke every ten minutes for my contractions. At six am, one was particularly bad, so I got up, turned on lights in the other room and started perusing the books for what turned out to be very limited information about labor. Dirk got up and the moving around and then the physical warmth and support of curling up with Dirk gave me a 45 minute reprieve. Eventually they started again - about seven minutes apart - and eventually we got up.

Moving around the house stopped the contractions for awhile, or at least made them less frequent and harder to notice. Now, at 11:45 am, they feel stronger to me, and bending over is not something I feel too comfortable doing. I think Blueberry has moved down lower, but it's hard to say. He moves around in between contractions here and there. I wonder what it's like to be him. I can't believe I'm going to meet somebody soon that is going to change my whole life. How often can you know that something like that is coming?

Olivia Update

I am typing with a cat on and off my lap, because Olivia has recently decided that it's important to be on my lap or shoulder whenever I sit down at the kitchen table to eat (or in this case, type). She has also decided that I'm not just useful for petting her during the night, but for sleeping on as well. Her last nighttime visit lasted thirty minutes, and she slept across my neck and face. Mostly, I find her affection sweet and want to respond, so I do. However, I have noticed that she only picks the moments when I am actually busy doing something important - like eating or sleeping - to ask for my attention. (To be fair, she did come and fall asleep on me once this weekend while I was watching Dexter. My biggest hope is that she will want to be affectionate while I'm watching TV, so that's a start. Also she has started hanging out with Dirk and I during evening TV, which is new for her.) I'm wondering if this is just a sign of her growing up and becoming more affectionate, or if she senses that time is running out and my lap will soon be taken over by Blueberry, or if she is training me for the never-have-your-body-to-yourself, learn-to-do-everything-with-one-arm experience that is Mommyhood. I've noticed that when she purrs loudly on me, Blueberry starts poking around. I'm sure she can feel my belly moving underneath her, though she does not appear to respond. It certainly doesn't encourage her to move.

Dirk will tell you that she is primarily attached to me, and often when he wants to hold her, he just follows me around the house so she won't run off after me. This was a somewhat unfortunate choice on her part, though I am fully flattered by it. If there wasn't a baby coming, I'd say she made the right choice because as much as Dirk loves to care for animals, he can't be woken up in the night, and he's not home as much during the day as I am. I am hopeful that she can still get enough attention just being near me and the baby, or still find some space on me that won't overwhelm me. Maybe I can pretend I have twins, knowing that she'll be much less demanding than an actual baby twin would ever be.

Olivia has been eating well lately. She went through a stage in late September where she was only eating about half her food each day. After a few weeks she went into an over-eater mode and finally stabilized. Overall, she is showing more interest in food than she did when she was younger, and there are more indications from her that she is expecting to be fed at certain times of day, or just hoping to be fed. She is still playful, though less so than before. If we open her toy drawer, she still comes running, but the toys don't hold her interest in the same way they used to. However, random stringy things that aren't toys are often quite the hit. She was pretty worked up by my laundry folding last night and this morning. She also continues to get excited for her balls and small items that are scattered about our house.

She continues to be a very clean cat - always preening herself. She has a large, lion-like mane and is super fluffy and soft. We had taken her off of The Litter Kwitter a few months ago because she has stopped pooping on the pan, and started using the floor (or bathroom sink). Dirk recently started her back up again in a pre-stage. I noticed this morning that her poop missed the pan. I'm pretty skeptical about her learning willingness/ability at this point. But Dirk presses on, and since he cleans up after her, I feel I must keep an open mind.

In general, I think she likes strangers less than she used to. To her credit, she did a very nice job with Dirk's mom and grandma this weekend. She sat comfortably with the ladies, even curled up right behind Grandma. I wonder how she will handle Dirk's birthday party. She will never have seen that many people in the house at once.

Well, Dirk's backup alarm should be going off by now, so I think Olivia and I will go bother him for a bit.